This is what I hope will be the start of a list of blogs in Spanish by and about lesbian families. If anyone knows anyone else, please send them this way. Without further ado, I give you:

Julieta and her less-than-legal wife who are still in the planning stages over at http://willowsbrain.blogspot.com/.

Magui, Gabi, a three year relationship, a cat, a dog, and the desire to start a family in Argentina at http://quemarnaves.blogspot.com/

Florencia and Gabriela who are TTCing in Argentina at http://maternidadeslesbicas.blogspot.com/

Guza and Oruga waiting for their Juan in Argentina at http://saltorana.blogspot.com/

Tilvy and Andre have triplets Abril, Jazmin, and Santi who were born at 27 weeks and are still in the NICU, but doing well in Argentina at http://ellalostrillizosyyo.blogspot.com/

Ana and Paula with their 1 year old twins in Argentina at http://piedralibreparadosmamas.blogspot.com/

Cris and Ana with their twins Diego and Santi in Mexico at http://dosmamis.blogspot.com/

Roma, Triana, and their 4 year old son Tati in Argentina at http://mamispordos.blogspot.com/

As a family of two things are pretty great for us right now. We both work and make enough money to pay our bills, drive a safe vehicle, eat out occasionally (ok, more than that but we’re working on it) and pretty much do as we please. There isn’t often a real financial stretch for us. We’re afforded the luxury of being able to not have to agonize over paying the rent.

Believe me we understand what the privilege that being educated, white, and coming from middle class backgrounds affords us, and we also know that there are many other lesbian couples in very similar financial situations as we are. And while we know some couples who are slightly better off than we are, and some who are not, financial issues around child rearing are concerns that we all share.

We also know a few other things. One of them is that children are expensive. Both the conception and the raising! Our family dreams include being able to afford to have one of us (ok, me) be a stay at home mom for at least the first year of our child’s life. I have alluded before to the whole “governmental help” angle of things, and this is something that we’re still considering, but what I’d like to know how YOU do it.

For those of you who have made the choice and or have had the opportunity to be a stay at home parent how have you been able to accomplish this? What concessions have you had to make in order to make spending this extra time with your child possible? What tips and tricks do you have for others making this choice?

Even for those of you who aren’t stay at home parents, what kinds of methods have you employed to make ends meet after adding one (or more) to your families?? In addition to saving what we can, now, what else could we be doing while we’re still at this stage of the ttc journey?

Lately, stress, and inter-couple stress while TTC seems to be a topic of conversation that’s running rampant through the queer parents blogosphere. I’ve read of some break-ups, some really rough arguments and many tearful breakdowns.

I must confess though. S and I have had next to NO TTC (or otherwise) related arguments. This is because I seem to have married the most patient, understanding woman in the entire world. As I know that I am perhaps the least patient person in the world, this is a really good thing. Though I’m sure there are plenty of couples in which both participants fall into my “not patient” category. And I’m wondering how they are dealing with the kind of stress TTC seems to throw upon a couple.

S and I have seemed to manage our TTC stress as a joint force. We’ve not gotten angry with each other, just the process, and have seemingly been very good at being able to distinguish our anger at not being pregnant yet with any feelings we’re having towards each other.  Then again, I was the one having the temper tantrums (when on fertility meds), and not her, so perhaps she sees things a little differently. Who knows? In any case, I’m almost certain that there are women out there who fall into the “not so patient” category, and may also be in need of some TTC/baby stress reducing techniques.

What I’d mostly like to see is some conversation about stress management happen. What are YOU doing at home, in your partnerships, or by yourself, to manage stress? How does the stress change when you go from TTC to actually having a family? For seasoned TTC’ers, or new parents, what was key to keeping your sanity during the TTC process? For seasoned parents, what are you doing now to maintain harmony in your relationships?

I thought I’d take a moment and talk about something a little different today. Usually, when I write about families, or TTC, I’m writing not only about our trials on the journey, but our hopes of raising a little one, and experiencing all that comes along with that.  But right now, I’d like to take a step backwards, and reflect about how wonderful it is to be a “just the two of us” kind of family.

This past weekend, my wife and I escaped to the “dead in the winter” island of Stonington, ME.  We knocked off work a few hours early on Friday, hopped in the car, and 3 hours later (with only 1 brief stop) we arrived. We threw our stuff into our room and went out for dinner. We came back, made a fire, and enjoyed the silence of each others company. It was cozy, sweet, uninterrupted, and quiet.

And it’s ALWAYS like this right now. If one of us has an “ID” moment, and a need must be met, 99% of the time, we just go and do/get/make/whatever “it” is, without thinking of anything (or anyone) else.  We eat dinner when we want to.  Do laundry and deep clean as we please.  Stay out late. Sleep in. Whatever we’d like to do, we do, when we want too!  And even though our biggest wish is for family expansion, and are trying to move all sorts of mountains to make that a reality – there are some moments where I sit back and just think about how much this “alone” time will be missed when a child arrives in our lives.  

I’m posting this, mostly, to remind those of us who are trying to expand our families from two to…more than two, to enjoy the sweet moments of each otherness, and the quiet that can bring.  So often when we’re trying to expand our families (no matter what the method) there is an incredible amount of stress and pressure that is placed upon us by all kinds of things, but mostly ourselves.  There must be “time out” to remember all of the good.

For my single friends attempting to make families on their own? Take a second to think about all the things you love about being alone, the things you enjoy doing, with friends and family and by yourself. To my partnered friends?  Enjoy the quiet moments, and the things you love about your partners. Because honestly, it is likely those qualities that led you to wanting to make a family with that person in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong – at one point on our weekend I looked at my wife and said, “I’m having the best time here with you…but I hope that it’s a really long time before we can do something like this again.”  It is just that with all of the waiting, and setbacks, and strain that TTC/family expansion takes – I think it is really important (and empowering) to enjoy your present, whist hoping for the future.

Did anyone else have days of the week underwear growing up? Every year I buy my partner-lover-sweetheart-wife dishtowels. One year I bought her days of the week dish towels. She has a thing about dish towels. I felt like the stereotypical bad husband, buying my wife dishtowels for Hanukkah Christmas Winter Holiday, except that she wanted them. I swear. And I’m nobody’s husband. This year’s dishtowels were woven by a Mayan women’s cooperative in Guatemala. But before I get to that…

(And did you think you were subversive and daring - wearing Thursday on Tuesday? - come on, fess up?)

…Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Sunday, otherwise known as Art-Sweet. And I’m honored - and a little bit intimidated - to join the fantastic ranks of the six other lesbianfamily.org bloggers. Like J., we don’t have a child yet. But we’re working on it…

Both myself and my partner - to be known as “Pili” (Partner I Love Intensely) - although she is neither the plural of a hairlike appendage found on the surface of a bacteria nor a nut native to the Phillippines, have wanted a family for a long time. I hesitate to get started on “normal,” because when it comes to relationships, there’s really no such thing. But I will say that even by the accelerated standards of stereotypical lesbian courtship, I don’t know how normal it is to talk about having children on a second date. Which is what we did.

Fast forward through way too many years of long distance relationshiping, a cross-country move together, and two years of infertility treatments, and we find ourselves waiting (probably another six months to go) for our son, a beautiful chubby cheeked wonder, to work his way out from under several tons of paperwork and come join our family through international adoption.

I intend to use my Sunday “column” here at LesbianFamily to talk about lesbian family-building in all of its various forms and flavors, my hopes and anxieties about being mommies to a son, and adopting transracially. I’m also an educator, so anticipate some book reviews and some thoughts about helping schools to welcome and support our diverse families.

And thanks, Liza - for creating this space and giving me this new soapbox opportunity to share thoughts and insights. You can also find my day-to-day thoughts, photographs, and musings on life with chronic illness at http://artsweet.wordpress.com.

P.S. Please send some love and support to Katie and Partner over at Maybe Expectant, whose son was born a month early and is currently in the NICU.

Webster’s Dictionary lists over 15 definitions for the word “family.”  My favorites are the following:

While some of the definitions mention children and blood relations, I think it’s just as important to recognize the fact that by definition a family can be valid without either of those components.
 

I think that my family, which currently does not involve children of our own, and families like mine, are crucial to the infrastructure that is known as “lesbian family.”  As part of our (non legal) wedding vows, my wife and I made a point of paying tribute to our family – both the ones that we were born in to, and the one that we’ve chosen.
 

While our family structure does contain members that are of blood relation, some of the most important members are friends we’ve made along the way, who often know more about what’s going on with us, and care more about us, than some blood relations do. I find this almost unfortunate but have pushed through the pain of rejection to find joy and completion in our created family structure.  We are “aunties” to many gorgeous children (of queer and non queer parents, single parents, etc.) and are looked upon as “nieces” to some of our older lesbian friends. Friends who have, in my case anyway, watched my growth from teenager through young adult, to the almost 30 year old woman that I am today.  These lesbian aunties have been my queer role models, guiding me (sometimes) into making good choices that have definitely affected who I am, and the life I lead today.  Many times, they are the first I turn to with troubles, or if I am in need of advice.  This is evidenced by the “frequently called” list on my phone bill!
 

I’m so grateful that  Liza has given me the wonderful opportunity to stray from the stories/humor/ttc rambling that is my daily blog to be the voice of the childless (though hopefully not for too much longer) lesbian family here at LesbianFamily.org.  My goals are to further explore definitions of families, most specifically lesbian families, but all kinds of queer families as well.  As we continue to grow our families, we are going to face specific challenges, among them the struggle between the desire to assimilate and the desire to distinguish.  How do we secure the same rights and respect as our straight counterparts, while also managing to keep our queer identities?   And how do we maintain our uniqueness and sense of community in an increasingly accepting world, when queerness and queer pride is, at its roots, a reaction to persecution?
 

I’m looking forward to exploring these topics and more in the weeks ahead.  Thanks for reading!