It’s official: It costs more to be a gay or lesbian family than it costs to be a heterosexual family.

For most of the LGBT community, this is not exactly a news flash. In fact, it comes close to the “studies say drunk driving causes motor vehicle accidents” or “studies say losing weight requires exercising more and eating less” school of research.

Even so, mainstream media validation of our experiences is nice.

And it doesn’t get much more official or mainstream than the New York Times. And on Friday, the NYT Money folks wrote a thoroughly researched article concluding that for middle/upper-middle class families with 2 children, the out of pocket costs of being a lesbian family (yes, they used lesbians as their example!) is between $41k-$467k greater than those of a similarly situated married heterosexual family.

That’s right. An lesbian couple who are exceptionally financially unlucky could spend almost half a million dollars more, between ages 35-85, than a similarly situated heterosexual couple.

Details on the assumptions used by the reporters, and how those variables might change, are also provided by the NYT Money reporters.

Many of us have reported less exhaustive, more back-of-the-napkin estimates on the costs too. I wrote one about the cost of fertility treatment, and another on the tax impact being a lesbian family had on me in 2006.

Now, it is true that every dollar in that $41-467k would not instantly disappear if same sex marriage were recognized by every state and the federal government. The fertility treatment costs are independent of marriage. But legal recognition of our marriages would make a HUGE difference towards equalizing our financial footing.

Incidentally, I’m not anti-tax. I want to be clear about that. I think paying our fair share of taxes is a critical aspect of living in a democracy. I want to pay my fair share towards schools and roads and public safety and elections and national security and research and health care and the myriad of other services the government does and should provide.

The key word here is fair. Similarly situated families should pay similar taxes. My family shouldn’t have to pay almost half a million dollars more in lifetime taxes than, for example, my sister’s family.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the language we use to describe our relationships.

Back in 2003, before the Massachusetts Supreme Court declared that same-sex couples could marry, and before Mayor Newsom opened the San Francisco wedding floodgates, I always used the terms married and wife when I talked about Jill or our family.

At the time, I called us married and I called her my wife because I felt like using terms like “partner” or “girlfriend” accepted a second-class status. Even though legally, we had a second-class status, it felt like using that language myself was dishonoring of the relationship.

For the most part, our friends and family used the same language we used. And I will never forget the first time a total stranger used the term “married” with us, unprompted. We had driven up to Burlington, VT, to get a Civil Union. We were in Massachusetts anyway, for the wedding of some other friends, and thought we should take advantage of the situation.

The City Clerk beamed at us and asked, “So? You want to get married! That’s great!” as he handed us the paperwork.

The universe acknowledging our relationship has fundamentally altered since we tied the knot in February 2003. Now same-sex couples can legally marry in Iowa, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Connecticut. They will be able to marry early next year in New Hampshire. Maine is in flux right now; California still recognizes the marriages that took place when they were legally authorized, although new ones are not presently being performed. New York & DC recognize out-of-state marriages.

My wife and I aren’t legally married. We didn’t go to California during either of the thrilling windows of time when we could have legally married there. Our state still has laws on the books that criminalize going out of state to marry to avoid following state marriage requirements. Unenforced laws, but who wants to risk being that test case?

And given that we aren’t legally married, it feels slightly misleading to call her my wife. In 2004 and 2005, people would ask if we’d gone to Canada or Massachusetts or California to get married, and we’d wind up in these awkward conversations explaining that no, our marriage was not legally recognized.

In fact, that’s now what I usually say when people ask if I’m married. “Not legally” or “My marriage isn’t legally recognized.”

How’s that for a nice social icebreaker?

What about you? What language do you use to talk about your family?

Yesterday, I had an appointment at the Reproductive Endocrinologist’s office, to see how my progesterone level is here in my “two week wait.” (Answer: Fair, here are some pills.)

The receptionist/billing specialist is a charming 50-something, and we generally get chatty while I’m checking in or out.

This morning, our chatting came around to why we stay here, instead of moving to Wisconsin to be closer to my family.

“Here, we’ve been able to have my partner legally adopt our son as his second parent. There, we wouldn’t be able to — there’s a bad state Supreme Court decision.”

As universally happens, she expressed surprise that the legal environment was better here.

“Here, the law is silent on the subject. So some judges, in the two main metro area counties, will do it. Others won’t.”

Our chat continued as she expressed surprise about the law being so unclear, and I found myself telling her the whole nightmarish saga of our petition having been assigned to the 1 judge in our county (out of 10) who won’t grant them, and how we had to move to the adjacent county. And how that meant spending down all of our non-retirement savings, but thank God we had that option.

Of course I also added that we better hope I was pregnant, because if we have to move on to IVF, we won’t be able to afford to do another whole move like that if we hit the rotten judge lottery again. She laughed and agreed and insisted that I’m already pregnant.

My point is that this kind of conversation makes a difference, even when we’re having it with someone who is already an ally.

She probably went home and chatted with her husband about the conversation we had, and the next time someone in her life voices an ignorant opinion about same sex marriage, she doesn’t just have a philosophical disagreement. She has a concrete, real-life example of discrimination, and a human story that she can share.

I think those human stories make enormously more difference than any abstract opinion, however well reasoned, can make.

My Custom Story is a site where you can order totally customized photo board books. What a neat way to make sure our kids see positive images of their families from a very young age! It would be great if they had gay and lesbian families represented in their example books, but it looks like all of the examples come from the owner’s family, so I guess I can’t expect her to make up a lesbian auntie getting pregnant with donor sperm just to be inclusive!

Speaking of sperm (what a segue!), Sfrajett has a great post about buying sperm, contemplating parenthood, and figuring out definitions of family. It’s been up for a while, but I just read it and found it very thought-provoking. Good luck to you & GF as you venture down this wild and wacky path to parenthood, Sfrajett!

On to my rant of the day.

Smashing, bashing, and crashing… “the 3 important stages of boyhood?”

That’s what Tonka says in a multi-page ad in Parents. “From the way they talk to the way they play, boys are just built different! And Tonka (of course) has the blueprint for the fun they love. The TONKA [no product placement here, thank you] grows with your child so he can sort, walk, and ride to his heart’s content.”

Because girls don’t sort, walk, or ride? Let alone smash, bash or crash?

“Boys don’t just like to be active, they need to be.”

I am the mom to one very very active little boy. One little boy who seems to be determined to conform to every stereotype – whose head whips around when he sees a truck go by, who has never met a ball or a wheeled object he doesn’t like – but that doesn’t mean that the little girls I know don’t need to be active too.

“Enjoy all the wild, wonderful moments and remember, you’re part of a very special group of women – you’re the mom of a BOY!” Gag.

Playing to these stereotypes may sell toys – though not to me – but it also hurts kids. It hurts little girls who want to run and make noise. And it hurts little boys who don’t.

Shame on you, Tonka.

Note that I’m not even mentioning that aside from one possibly-Asian looking kid, there are absolutely NO children boys of color in the whole 8.5 page spread? Oh wait, I guess I did just mention that.

Disturbing encounter #1: I am walking down our street in our new city, balancing a very cranky heavy little boy and pushing the container of flesh eating ants or so you’d think from his screams stroller with my remaining pinky finger.  An older couple is leaving their house.  I smile at them and say hi and they smile back and coo at the boy.  “He playing football?” asks the man, apropos of nothing.  “A little young for that” I say. “Bet Daddy’s at home watching the game” he says.

Most people correctly read Pepito as adopted – he looks nothing like me – nothing even like what might come of me and a latino sperm donor.   And while lots of straight folks have adopted kids, the obvious lack of resemblance does tend to reduce people’s attempts to assign responsibility for noses and eyebrows: I don’t hear a lot of “oh, so does his dad have jet black hair and chubby cheeks?”  And I have the dubious luxury of passing – that is to say - my personal appearence doesn’t trip off most straight people’s gaydar.

Lots of things run through my mind, this man is missing most of his teeth, as is his wife.  There is a big flag in their front window.  I am not sure that same-sex adoptive families are a part of their regular scheduled programming.  [Until we moved to our previous city, my experience of other gay and lesbian folk was pretty limited to people from the same middle-class, education is everything, socioeconomic bracket as my family.  I still tend to (incorrectly?) correlate higher socioeconomic status with higher likeliness to accept queers.] He is my neighbor, give or take a dozen houses.  I am carrying a very heavy child who may start screaming again, complete with huge fat heart breaking tears, at any moment.

I give a non-committal grunt, say nothing, and move on.

Disturbing Encounter #2: I have the boy nestled in the ergo, trying to convince him that naps are not for other babies.  I am trying to put up a clothesline in our back yard.  An older Caribbean man is working in our next door neighbors’ (very welcoming) yard.  He asks if I need help with the clothesline.  I politely decline.  He asks about the baby.  Ten months, blah blah blah.  He says: daddy oughta be puttin’ that line up for you.  Why can’t his daddy do that?  He doesn’t have a daddy.  He has two mommies.  Boy needs a daddy.  He’s got lots of uncles, and two moms who love him.  Hmmmp.  A boy needs a daddy.  He continues talking to me, explaining that my son needs a daddy until I excuse myself to put the boy down for a nap.  I leave feeling angry that I have, essentially, been driven out of my yard because I don’t want to continue this conversation and because I don’t want to fumble my way through putting up the clothesline in front of him.

I don’t know exactly why I share these encounters.  I wonder about my own assumptions about class and race and religion.  Why do I casually mention my partner and P’ito’s two mommy status freely to the white tatooed cashier at the supermarket checkout but not to the African-American woman on the bus who admires his yummy cheeks and brown eyes and asks me if he’s spanish? 

I think of the security guard at my old job, who proudly told me about her niece’s wedding, and how she flummoxed my expectations.  Incidents like these make me wonder – how do I protect my son and yet not give in to my own prejudices?  And yet, how can I be a good parent to a child of color if I don’t confront my own assumptions?

This is a bit off topic for me to be posting, but it is certainly relevant to LesbianFamily.org.

From the Equality Maryland press release:

“The American Civil Liberties Union and Equality Maryland today denounced the divided Maryland Court of Appeals decision upholding a state law that bars same-sex couples from marrying and accessing the hundreds of family protections provided to married couples and their children under state law.

The vote in the case was 4 to 3. One of the dissenting judges said the legislature should either be required to adopt civil unions or marriage. The other two said that the case should be sent back to the lower court for a trial to see if government has a good enough reason to bar same-sex couples from marriage.

The majority opinion rejects the ACLU’s arguments that barring same-sex couples from marriage is sex discrimination. While the court agrees that marriage is a fundamental right, it says there is no fundamental right to marry someone of the same sex. The court says gay people aren’t entitled to special protection from the court because, although there has been a history of unfair discrimination against gay people, as a group gay people are not politically powerless. The court then uses the least demanding form of constitutional analysis to determine if the ban violates the state’s equal protection guarantees, and says that excluding same-sex couples from marriage might rationally be related to fostering procreation, so the state can continue to deny same-sex couples the ability to marry and its family protections.”

Speaking of fostering procreation, I was really hoping that my baby might be able to enjoy some of the benefits of having legally married parents, but bigotry and ignorance have won the day in Maryland.

Growing up, my parents devoted quite a bit of time talking to my sister and I about white privilege and making sure that we understood how the world worked and what we wanted it to look like. From them, I learned that this idea of anti-racist, anti-homophobic, anti-ism parenting started in the home. Living abroad and dating people of different genders, racial backgrounds and cultural backgrounds, I have spent a bit of time thinking about anti-racist parenting and what I might want that to look like in my future family life. I think this is a shared concern for many lesbian mothers, not just the ones who have minority children, but also the ones who understand that one ism (racism) leaves room for other isms (homophobia) to flourish.

My friend Dave, who has a beautiful foster son with his partner, pointed out this web page to me and I thought I would share it. Anti-Racist Parent has a huge variety of blog contributers (including at least one lesbian family) that talk fairly directly about their ideas, views, thoughts, suggestions, and questions on white privilege, anti-racist parenting, international adoption, inter-racial adoption, and so much more. Enjoy!

***Note, this web page is already listed in the resources area– but after spending a couple hours on it today, I thought it was worth pointing out again.  Especially since I never  forget to look at the resource list and I am sure there are others out there like me***

Lesbian Couple Victorious in Court : Earlier today the Maine Supreme Judicial Court ruled that a lesbian couple should be able to adopt two siblings.

From an email from Equality Maine’s executive Director, Betsy Smith: 

“As many of you know, today’s ruling
marks the first time in Maine history that a
same-sex couple can jointly adopt a child.
Until now, only a married couple or an
unmarried person has been allowed to
petition to adopt a child.”

This is awesome.  Even though these two children are not biologically related to the couple, the implications of the ruling could very well apply to second-parent adoption because the case states that two same sex parents are fit parents to jointly adopt.

What a great day for queer families in Maine!

This is what I hope will be the start of a list of blogs in Spanish by and about lesbian families. If anyone knows anyone else, please send them this way. Without further ado, I give you:

Julieta and her less-than-legal wife who are still in the planning stages over at http://willowsbrain.blogspot.com/.

Magui, Gabi, a three year relationship, a cat, a dog, and the desire to start a family in Argentina at http://quemarnaves.blogspot.com/

Florencia and Gabriela who are TTCing in Argentina at http://maternidadeslesbicas.blogspot.com/

Guza and Oruga waiting for their Juan in Argentina at http://saltorana.blogspot.com/

Tilvy and Andre have triplets Abril, Jazmin, and Santi who were born at 27 weeks and are still in the NICU, but doing well in Argentina at http://ellalostrillizosyyo.blogspot.com/

Ana and Paula with their 1 year old twins in Argentina at http://piedralibreparadosmamas.blogspot.com/

Cris and Ana with their twins Diego and Santi in Mexico at http://dosmamis.blogspot.com/

Roma, Triana, and their 4 year old son Tati in Argentina at http://mamispordos.blogspot.com/

Remember back when Babytalk ran a survey on “Married vs Single Moms?” I got a little cranky about it, to put it mildly. And while Babytalk didn’t call me, they heard from enough lesbian moms that we’re certainly included in the article.

And apparently, there are a lot of us! Of their 14,000 “nationally representative” respondents, 8%, or approximately 1100 of us, answered YES to the question, “Do you have a same-sex partner who co-parents with you?”

Interestingly, “more than two-thirds” of us strongly agreed that we feel discrimination because we’re not married. I had a hard time with the wording of the question, and think I might have been in the other ~30%, although obviously I think lesbian moms face discrimination.

The surprising statistic for me was that only 57% of us agreed, “I wish I were married.” I wonder how many of you in the 43% answered the question are in a semi-legally-recognized marriage or otherwise got caught up in the wording of the question. And I’m also curious about how many of you are more old-school, anti-patriarchial-institution radical feminist moms.

Coolest bit? The sidebar titled “Hollywood wives…and moms” listed some famous celeb moms who are either divorced with children, unmarried with children, single adopters, or have same-sex partners. It isn’t in the online version, so you’ll have to pick up a copy to see the cute picture of Cynthia Nixon and her daughter.

Way to go, BabyTalk! Thanks for including lesbian moms in your article.