I’ve been thinking a lot about the language we use to describe our relationships.

Back in 2003, before the Massachusetts Supreme Court declared that same-sex couples could marry, and before Mayor Newsom opened the San Francisco wedding floodgates, I always used the terms married and wife when I talked about Jill or our family.

At the time, I called us married and I called her my wife because I felt like using terms like “partner” or “girlfriend” accepted a second-class status. Even though legally, we had a second-class status, it felt like using that language myself was dishonoring of the relationship.

For the most part, our friends and family used the same language we used. And I will never forget the first time a total stranger used the term “married” with us, unprompted. We had driven up to Burlington, VT, to get a Civil Union. We were in Massachusetts anyway, for the wedding of some other friends, and thought we should take advantage of the situation.

The City Clerk beamed at us and asked, “So? You want to get married! That’s great!” as he handed us the paperwork.

The universe acknowledging our relationship has fundamentally altered since we tied the knot in February 2003. Now same-sex couples can legally marry in Iowa, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Connecticut. They will be able to marry early next year in New Hampshire. Maine is in flux right now; California still recognizes the marriages that took place when they were legally authorized, although new ones are not presently being performed. New York & DC recognize out-of-state marriages.

My wife and I aren’t legally married. We didn’t go to California during either of the thrilling windows of time when we could have legally married there. Our state still has laws on the books that criminalize going out of state to marry to avoid following state marriage requirements. Unenforced laws, but who wants to risk being that test case?

And given that we aren’t legally married, it feels slightly misleading to call her my wife. In 2004 and 2005, people would ask if we’d gone to Canada or Massachusetts or California to get married, and we’d wind up in these awkward conversations explaining that no, our marriage was not legally recognized.

In fact, that’s now what I usually say when people ask if I’m married. “Not legally” or “My marriage isn’t legally recognized.”

How’s that for a nice social icebreaker?

What about you? What language do you use to talk about your family?

Dear LesbianFamily.org Reader,

Would you mind telling us a little bit about yourself? Please take our Blog Reader Project survey.

If you have thoughts, opinions, requests, comments, suggestions, etc that aren’t covered in the survey — and I bet you will! — please feel free to leave them as comments to this post.

Hi Lesbian Families and Friends of the Family!

What do you think of the idea of a monthly LesbianFamily.org email newsletter? We wouldn’t want to spam you, but we’re also looking at ways we might be able to generate more community within our community.

A newsletter would give us another way to highlight newly listed blogs, show off bloggers and photos we love, list activities of interest, and offer the possibility for things like classified ads or essays/posts/poetry from those of you with something to say who aren’t able to make the committment to be full blown contributing editors or authors.

Is there anything else you’d want to see in a newsletter? Or really NOT want to see?

If we do a newsletter, what we would probably do is spam all of you whose email addresses we have ONCE, with a clear opt-in for future newsletters. Unless you have another idea for how we might reach you. We’re open to ideas!

I have been on a tidying binge around here, starting with the more time-sensitive TTC category.  Also deleted a bunch of blogs that for whatever reason, no longer existed, or hadn’t been updated since 2007.  I hope wherever you are, my friends, it’s a good place.

Moving from TTC – Expecting:

• …two wives and a boarder marker…
• Amy and Melissa
• baby toes
• baby.fatty
• Hatchling
• L’Dor Va Dor- From Generation to Generation
• My Pen Ran Out
• puffer and the baby fish
• Reproducing Genius

Moving from TTC – Babies (sorry about that, ladies & congrats! ETA: Sorry that we, um completely missed your entire pregnancy, not sorry that you have a baby now)

• A New Family
• Aspiring Baker
• Baby Beans (two moms! two babies!)
• Baby Colored Glasses
• Cutest Little Baby in Town
• Desperately Seeking Baby Now TTC #2!
• Family Values
• Follow My Baby Journey
• IndyNess
• Journey Towards Our Baby
• love+love=marriage
• Notes from 2 Moms
• Our Incredible True Adventures
• PBX Makes Four
• soulbliss
• two older hippos wanting a baby hippo

Moved from Expecting to Babies (Hooray!)

• 1 In Vermillion
• BabyBoom 2 Futuras Mamis Lesbianas.
• Dos Mamas
• Enough Grows
• First Time Second Time
• For the Long Haul
• It’s Taking a Village
• Luca Has 2 Mommies
• The Chronicles of Conception
• Wannabe Earth Mamas
• We Are Fambly

P’ito tells the New York State Senate what he thinks

This was the first time I have been at Pride with my kid, and it was so different. Different from going as a non-parent, different from my expectations…

When we were TTC and then waiting for P’ito to come home, I watched the families with kids with pride and a hefty side dish of envy. I wanted what they had and I wanted it NOW. I had this vision of us all walking along, holding hands as a family, with the local lgbt families group… and instead it felt a little bit like herding cats.   At the same time, I was free to browse in the information tents, snag all the swag I wanted, chat with friends, yell raunchy comments at the ladies, watch all the groups go by and cheer…

My parents were there with us – which was awesome – I have the most supportive family ever – but I was hot and cranky because P’ito was sleepy and cranky and because I kept feeling like I was losing people along the way. Tons of half-finished conversations because where did they go? Are we losing the group and falling in with the loud bar group behind us?

But when I finally pulled him out of the stroller and sat him on my shoulders, it was perfect. He waved and smiled and held his sign, and I managed to relax a bit and enjoy myself.  I like our small(er) city pride – a managable parade without hours of smiling politicians and liquor floats – but lots of people both gay and straight out on the streets cheering us on.  Add in a beautiful sunny day, and you’re there.

So:

What does Pride mean to you?  What are your personal Pride traditions and memories?  Do you dream of marching with your kid someday?

And how do you explain all the fabulousness of drag queens and leathermen and PTA presidents to your kids, if you’ve got kids old enough to say “’cause why, mama?” I didn’t have to do much explaining this year, but I’m puzzling over how to explain to P’ito what exactly it is that we’re celebrating.  How do you explain Pride to a preschooler without getting too deep into the ugliness of homophobia?

And don’t forget to add your family pride photos to the LesbianFamily.org flickr group…

On a totally different note – please welcome to the ranks of LF.org:

TTC:

Figboiler

Non-Bio:

Butchmama

Young Kids:

Lavender Tales

[Photo by Christopher Gannon, AP, in The Columbia Missourian.]

Above: Dawn BarbouRoske, second from left, of Iowa City leans towards her partner, Jen BarbouRoske, after learning of the Iowa Supreme Court ruling Friday in favor of legalizing gay marriage. Between them is their daughter Bre, 6. Their other daughter, 11-year-old McKinley, left, reacts to the ruling.

We extend our hearty congratulations to lesbian families in Iowa, who as of yesterday began to be able to receive the myriad legal protections afforded by state-recognized partnership.

In LesbianFamily.org news, we have two new additions and a transition:

• Geek and Lawyer, who live and write in Australia, joins the TTC listings, 
• adventures in making a baby has joined the Expecting listings, and
• Creating a Miracle moved from TTC to Expecting

Welcome, yay, and congratulations!

Two more blogs are on deck (also an addition and a transition), and as soon as we can find out what the URLs are, we’ll announce them here.  This makes for as good a time as any to remind you to include your URL in a comment when you’re letting us know you want to be listed or shifted.  :)

Over the past several weeks, a wonderful handful of folks have written in and offered to help tend the LesFam field here.  Next week I hope to run a welcome post, and will invite the new folks to introduce themselves (and the returning old folks to re-introduce and update us). ‘Til then, we raise a sippy cup to you, Iowa!

No new postings requests this week! First such quiet week in a while.

Meanwhile, we’re still stumping for co-conspiritors here at LesbianFamily.org (see Liza’s post in late March), and we’re still planning on having a Lesbian Family Blogger Meet Up in Chicago in late-July, the Sunday morning following the BlogHer conference (see my post as of late March, here).

Warmest wishes that spring is springing where you are. If you are a practicing Judeo-Christian (either or both!), may the upcoming holidays of Easter and of Passover renew your faith.

Of course if you look a few pictures further in ohchicken’s photostream, you’ll see that the spaghetti’s appeal was time-limited. Go check it out. She writes about her family and her life at  we are fambly. where you’ll find more Jude! Jude! Jude! with and without spaghetti.

Now to the new  or updated listings news: LOVE IS LOVE has both moved to a new blog, and become a combined project of both gals, Bebebaba and Bebemama.  Perhaps an even more thrilling move was from TTC to Expecting.

Shrike & Whozat went from Expecting to Babies!  About five months ago in real life, and just recently at LesbianFamily.org. Congrats, and happy recent five month birthday to Peeper!  Yowza what a doozy of a month she just had.  And her mamas.  

Mother Issues, has recently listed in Foster and Interracial Families. Welcome to Lee and Thorn, who describe themselves as “at the very beginning of our journey to become mothers via special needs adoption.”

New to the TTC listings is metal stork , written by two nomadic gals who will “continue their nomadic ways forever and are looking forward to a gypsy baby to make their travels that much more interesting.”

And Robin, blogging at Here’s What I Don’t Get, just proposed we start up a page for separated/co-parenting blogs.  Good point.  We’ll put that in the LesFam editorial group hopper, and meanwhile — while we wait for a revised or new page for her blog — at least we’ll get started with a nod here.  When you’re there visiting her, congratulate her on polishing off an entire month of a post every day, as part of National Blog Posting Month. Wheew!

Ah! And one more thing!  I just wandered around a bit, as one tends to do online, and from Shrike & Whozat checked in on Vee and Jay and what should I discover but that they went and  had their baby!  So! First, many enthusiastic congratulations to them, and second, they can now be found NOT in TTC, where they were, or Expecting, where they could well have been for the previous 9 months, but Babies!

I have been updating the Spanish blogs– I would like to welcome A. Daniela, a Chilean couple in search of their first child and to create community in Chile for lesbian mothers.

Also, if you want LGBT news (in English) of the happenings in Latin America check out Julieta’s new blog: Get your Queer OUT in Latin America.

Please, if you know of any blogs I am missing — and I know that there are more bloggeras lesbianas alli– leave me a comment and I will work on fixing that!

We have had a renewed surge of energy over hear at LesbianFamily.org, as you have no doubt noticed. And to maintain that energy, we would like to expand our team!

Here’s what you would be signing up for:

* Minimum of 1 post here per month; more if you want!
* Minimum of 20 minutes per month of “admin stuff” like updating the blogroll, responding to emails, clearing out spam comments…. We will sort out specific responsibilities among the group over the next couple of weeks
* One year commitment

You are welcome to be part of the team no matter where you are in your family process. “Friends of the Family” will also be considered.

We do anticipate re-joining the BlogHer Ad Network, however, unless we earn a heckuva lot more money than we have in the past, we won’t be able to pay bloggers. In the past, ad funds have slightly more than paid for hosting.

If you are interested, please leave a comment below. Include your email address in the “email” section so that we can reach you.