[A shorter version of this piece is cross-posted over at LesbianDad.]

It was bedtime, and I thought I was going to have to mount a lengthy campaign to extirpate the lil’ monkey from her downstairs cousins’ room (we live upstairs from my partner’s brother and his family). Daily she ransacks her cousins’ bedroom in a never-sated hunger to fiddle with (disassemble, rearrange, touch, or simply breath upon) their toys and books. Then the fairy goddesses arrived and extracted her for me, effortlessly.

We call our known donor’s daughters our kids’ special cousins, and they had come to visit toward the end of a day of mega-wide extendo family/community fun in our back yard. The two girls simply entered the house (gliding in on feet that I’m sure didn’t even move), slipped their magic fairly fingers into our daughter’s, and led her out. They then proceeded to glide as a nymph trio across the lawn toward us, swirly filaments of fairy dust wafting behind them. They were so beautiful playing together that we postponed putting the girlie to bed ’til the special cousins went home. The love they share is unique, and palpable.

I had no idea the fruits of our extended family-making would turn out to be this sweet. I remember a conversation with the very first friends I know who had a kid with a known donor, probably like eight or ten years ago, when I was living in Minnesota. I expressed the classic fear that there’d be this dangling connection out there, which could be used to burn back into our family in some terrible way, like a line of gunpowder.

“Aren’t you worried? Think of all the terrible things that could happen!” was my refrain. Because, after all, let’s admit it, it’s all too easy to think of those terrible things. Maybe even more so if you’re not the one giving birth, and therefore stand to be made somehow invisible or irrelevant to the whole process (one can think these things, when one lets one’s wildest fears run amok.) My friend — who was the non-birth mom, after having tried unsuccessfully to conceive for several years — said something to the effect of, “Yeah, you know, I was worried, too, at first. And then our daughter was born and I realized: That’s just more love for her in the world.” And in a moment, a line that looked like gunpowder became a cord through which love passed.

Things are not always this rosy. We in the extended lesbian family family are well aware of the horror stories about custody battles with donors who’ve reversed their initial intentions to relinquish legal custody. Or somehow their families go haywire. These are the stories that are well-telegraphed, I think both because they serve as cautionary tales, but also because it’s a well-worn fact that bad or scary news sells more papers/ magazines/ web ads/ what have you. Or something to this effect. The actors are clear, the threat is clear, etc.

The stories of love and harmony may draw less attention, but I have to believe they’re more the rule than the exception. (They may say I’m a dreamer, but I’d like to think I’m not the only one.) So now I ask the following questions not just to stir up dialog, but to help dig up some more folk wisdom for a friend in Vermont who just gave birth (Congrats again, M2!). Those of you who have made your family using known sperm donors: how has your connection evolved? If they have kids, have any of you actively woven your family into theirs? How do you name the connection between your kids, and his, and how do you talk with them about it? Are you in touch with other families for whom he’s been a donor (if he’s been a known donor for other families)? If so, how is that family connection going?

Today, Ontario’s highest court ruled that a five year old boy has three legal parents – his biological mother, her partner, and their good friend, his biological father.

The case is believed to be the first in Canada in which a child has more than two legal parents, said Peter Jervis, a lawyer for the partner. He said while there have been birth-registry cases in which lesbian couples sought parentage of their children, the fathers in those cases were not active or were unknown due to sperm donations.

In this case, the biological father, a friend of the lesbian couple, remains involved in the 5-year-old boy’s life at the request of the two women. The father would have lost his parental rights if the lesbian partner had been able to adopt the boy under Ontario law.

The lesbian partner brought the case against the biological mother and father, seeking a declaration for parentage. They fully supported the legal action.

The Ontario Court of Appeal ruling released yesterday overturns a 2003 Superior Court of Justice decision not to give the female partner legal status as the child’s mother. The judge said the court did not have jurisdiction to grant the title.

Justice Marc Rosenberg, writing on behalf of Chief Justice Roy McMurtry and Justice Jean-Marc Labrosse, found that due to a gap in legislation, the court in this case can exercise its “parens patriae” – the legal term for the state to act as the guardian for a minor – in declaring the partner a mother.

“Advances in our appreciation of the value of other types of relationships and in the science of reproductive technology have created gaps in the (Children’s Law Reform Act’s) legislative scheme,” Rosenberg wrote. “Because of these changes, the parents of a child can be two women or two men.”

I find this very exciting, as it really does challenge traditional family structures and makes all those f*ocus on the f*amily freakos very very upset. Because of course, having MORE parents for a child is a bad idea, right? What about the “village” folks? I don’t think queers made up that saying, but I do know that many of us take it to heart and have a number of people in our chosen families.

Joanna Radbord, who has been a prominent lawyer in many cases affecting gays and lesbian, such as adoption and same sex marriage rights in Ontario, has stated that lesbians with known donors (and also gay men with surrogates) should look to families with step parents as allies. This would be another case where there could potentially be a third person seeking parental rights (the step parent of a child who already has a legal mother and father would have to have one of those parents removed from the official documentation in order to adopt the child and therefore be legally responsible for the child). What is so different from that situation than from queers who may be looking to acknowledge all the people involved in a child’s life? The one major difference between these two scenarios is actually another argument in favour of allowing gay and lesbian redefinitions of the family – divorced couples and step parents usually have been through the breaking up of a relationship, whereas this case is bringing together three people who are actively seeking to be a part of their child’s life.

My partner and I were discussing this news as we watched the telly this evening and the reports on the issue. Of course, the focus on the family opponents were out in full force, with worries that if we allow children to have more than 2 parents, families will fall apart and never be the same. The issue? Custody. If folks break up and partner again, wouldn’t it be really confusing to arange visitation between 3, 4, 5 etc. parents? (As if organizing visitation and custody between two people is always easy peasy). It was obvious that the issue was with the LESBIANS who were involved in this parenting family. If it had been the opposite sex wife of the biological father who was looking for rights, no one would have said a word.

I know that I speak from a position of privilege, as here in Canada my partner had the right to adopt our child and be recognized as our son’s legal parent (and I know many families in the US and around the world are not able to do so). Yet this ruling may mean that we could acknowledge all the people who helped create our son, and who may be interested in being in his life in the future (we don’t have that kind of arrangment with our current donor, but who knows how he will feel in the future, or how our new donor will feel?). I also feel that it could take away the fear of using a known donor, especially if non biological partners can be recognized equally as a parent if the donor does not want to terminate his rights. Or perhaps this is still a scary scenario?

How do you feel? If there are more than 2 people involved in the life of your child that would like to acknowledge (known donor, surrogates, birth mom/dads?) is this a good thing?