Here are some new (or better said, just found blogs):

Mamas Lesbianas a partir de los 42 años: about a couple and their adopted daughter

Adopcion nacional:  about two able-bodied adult white women in Spain who have one daughter with a disability adopted internationally and who are trying to adopt a second child with a handicap through national (Spain) adoption

Una Familia Especial: family with two adolescents in Mexico

Círculo de Familias Diversas:  Blog for LGBT families in Mexico City

Dos lesbianas, nueve meses y una nueva vida: who are pregnant

Dos mujeres, un niño y lo que venga: Spain with small child

El blog de Luli: Luli (who is tiny and beautiful) and her mothers blog

En busca de lo naranja y verde: Two moms and a little boy in Barcelona

La suma de nosotras: Expecting in Spain

Mami x opcion: Lesbian mom by choice of a 3 month old

Mamás lesbianas y bebé:  In madrid with a newborn

Matriz: Moms with a 4 year old

Milu, Nunu y un hada: Moms with a young child

Welcome to all the new blogs!!!

***Polly, can you help me get these into the blogrolls??? I don’t know how and I don’t want to bother Liza as she just had her beautiful baby girl Josephine Rose!!!!***

[Crross-posted over at LesbianDad.]

During Banned Books Week, we all get to reflect on the life-saving quality of the books in our lives (Liza did here earlier in the week, and so did I). Continuing the celebration, I wanted to collect in one post a bunch of useful book-ish resources for youse LGBT parents out there, or those of youse who know some, and want to figure out what to get their kiddles for the next gift-giving occasion.

Some time back, I added a Kids’ books page to my blog, reproducing on it a book list that was distributed to members of the San Francisco Bay Area’s Our Family Coalition. The woman who shared it had done a book search for her own kids’ school, as I’m sure many of us have. To this, I added a smattering of additional resources:

• San Francisco Public Library’s Rainbow Celebration Booklist for Children is also a good place to start: a sound, briefly annotated list of books for young readers and featuring diverse alternative family structures.

• COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) has produced book lists for Children with LGBT Parents and Teens and Young Adults with LGBT Parents.

• The blog Worth The Trip, provides reviews of queer books for kids and teens, by a “librarian and children’s & young adult literature specialist, and life-long reader of LGBTQ literature.”

• Mombian Books is a place for folks to share recommendations about books for LGBT families, run out of Dana Rudolph’s prodigious resource, Mombian.

• At Family Pride’s eStore you can buy some of the books in the SF Public Library or the COLAGE or the OFC lists, knowing that some of the proceeds will go to the organization. Of special note are the preschool, elementary school, middle school, and highschool “packs,” which include selections of eight or so books widely considered valuable and appropriate for a given age. A perfect gift for those with the wherewithal to give their school, or to ask their school to purchase, or to be generously hinted at before, say, a baby shower.

• this annotated list, which was created as a resource for a Spring 2007 Gender in Children’s Literature class at The College of New Jersy, and

• The Amazon.com list “Beyond Heather Has Two Mommies: Picture Books w/ Gay Parents,” from “Rainbowheart,” which (as of this writing) includes 40 different titles. I love to support Powell’s Books, the indie giant in Portland (my parents courted in Portland), but their site doesn’t currently support this e-z community list-sharing feature, and some of the books on these lists they don’t even carry (alas).

• Last, for those whose little one(s) aren’t even born yet, or literate, and are simply compiling their own baby book, BabySakes.com actually has “baby memory books” for two mom or two dad families:

The Story of ME can be ordered with the “two moms” or “two dads” page pack, which includes a family tree featuring same-gender parents and 2 pages for information about each parent. “The Story of ME” can be customized with your choice of 20 different covers. “Molly West’s Baby’s First Year” is designed to be gender-neutral featuring references to “parent” wherever you would normally see “mom” or “dad” allowing it to be easily customized for same-sex parents.

Do these people understand an under-served niche market or what? (What’s that sound I hear? The thundering hooves of every other marketing executive realizing the vast commercial potential of the gayby boom?)

I have to think that the print resources available now are legion, compared to when my own beloved was a young girl being raised by lesbians a coupla decades back (it was only in 1990 that we got the legendary titles Heather Has Two Mommies and Daddy’s Roommate — Alyson Wonderland charts their history here). Still, when I see that the various available lists of books for kids with LGBT people or families in ‘em numbers just a few dozen (by my count), and I think about how many kids are being raised in our households (millions, by the last census’ count), I sure think that more of us ought to be getting into the children’s book-writing business.

Mmmm, children’s book-writing…

This is what I hope will be the start of a list of blogs in Spanish by and about lesbian families. If anyone knows anyone else, please send them this way. Without further ado, I give you:

Julieta and her less-than-legal wife who are still in the planning stages over at http://willowsbrain.blogspot.com/.

Magui, Gabi, a three year relationship, a cat, a dog, and the desire to start a family in Argentina at http://quemarnaves.blogspot.com/

Florencia and Gabriela who are TTCing in Argentina at http://maternidadeslesbicas.blogspot.com/

Guza and Oruga waiting for their Juan in Argentina at http://saltorana.blogspot.com/

Tilvy and Andre have triplets Abril, Jazmin, and Santi who were born at 27 weeks and are still in the NICU, but doing well in Argentina at http://ellalostrillizosyyo.blogspot.com/

Ana and Paula with their 1 year old twins in Argentina at http://piedralibreparadosmamas.blogspot.com/

Cris and Ana with their twins Diego and Santi in Mexico at http://dosmamis.blogspot.com/

Roma, Triana, and their 4 year old son Tati in Argentina at http://mamispordos.blogspot.com/

Remember back when Babytalk ran a survey on “Married vs Single Moms?” I got a little cranky about it, to put it mildly. And while Babytalk didn’t call me, they heard from enough lesbian moms that we’re certainly included in the article.

And apparently, there are a lot of us! Of their 14,000 “nationally representative” respondents, 8%, or approximately 1100 of us, answered YES to the question, “Do you have a same-sex partner who co-parents with you?”

Interestingly, “more than two-thirds” of us strongly agreed that we feel discrimination because we’re not married. I had a hard time with the wording of the question, and think I might have been in the other ~30%, although obviously I think lesbian moms face discrimination.

The surprising statistic for me was that only 57% of us agreed, “I wish I were married.” I wonder how many of you in the 43% answered the question are in a semi-legally-recognized marriage or otherwise got caught up in the wording of the question. And I’m also curious about how many of you are more old-school, anti-patriarchial-institution radical feminist moms.

Coolest bit? The sidebar titled “Hollywood wives…and moms” listed some famous celeb moms who are either divorced with children, unmarried with children, single adopters, or have same-sex partners. It isn’t in the online version, so you’ll have to pick up a copy to see the cute picture of Cynthia Nixon and her daughter.

Way to go, BabyTalk! Thanks for including lesbian moms in your article.

It looks like Pepito loves being home with his mommies, at last long last! Welcome home, little guy!

Pictures of the Week will be selected from the Flickr Photo Group — the same source as the pictures in the sidebar.

To have your pictures considered, just join the group and submit photos! Just remember, these are “family friendly” pictures only — no erotica or nudity.

Eeek! What’s wrong with this picture? Right! No parents!

More on the the Mary n’ Heather baby news, along with the ACTUAL official White House photo of the proud kin, from Pam Spaulding at the Blend and her berth at Pandagon. The Family Pride Blog has a piece on it, along with ample community chit-chat. And Dana at Mombian provides a synopsis of media coverage, which runs from closeting to bumbling to — surprise! — factually accurate.

My only two cents on it today: May amor vincit omnia.

[Cross-posted over at LesbianDad.]

UPDATE: This is cross-posted over at SoVo!

Babytalk magazine is related to Parenting magazine, but oriented towards parents of babies. (I know you’re shocked.) In the current issue of Babytalk, there’s a survey: “Married Moms vs Unmarried Moms.” Smackdown at the playgroup!

There are so many things that trouble me about this concept that it’s hard to figure out where to begin my critique. But since this is a GLBT blog, I’ll start with how the survey addresses moms like me.

Technically, the magazine has 2 surveys, one for “married moms” and one for “unmarried moms.” They’re printed one on each side of the magazine page (and also available online as separate downloads from this page.

I originally thought that the survey completely ignored lesbian moms when I decided to write this, but I was wrong. That’s because I think of myself as more like a “married” mom than an “unmarried” one, although of course I am legally unmarried. But Question 18 for unmarried moms is, “Do you have a same-sex partner who co-parents with you?” Yes or No.

Why, yes I do! Well, ok Babytalk, I guess I’m unmarried. Let’s look at the rest of the “unmarried moms” survey. (The questions are in regular font, my answers and comments are in italics.)

Question 1: A child needs two parents. Yup, I agree.

Question 2: A child needs two parents who are married to each other. Um. Is this a trick question, since I’ve now been declared unmarried, and under the law everywhere except Massachusetts, I can’t get married? I would have checked “agree somewhat” but now I think I’m forced to “disagree.”

Question 3: Marriage is a sacred institution. Another trick question? I “somewhat agree” with that statement, but not in the “therefore no one but heterosexual couples planning to reproduce should be able to participate” sense of sacred. More in the “when you find the love of your life and commit to each other, that’s a sacred commitment” sense. But to my serious irritation, I think I have to check “disagree” here too.

Question 4: Marriage is just “a piece of paper.” In the immortal words of Whitney, “hell to the no!” It’s a piece of paper that comes with several hundred important legal rights and responsibilities and goddammit, I want that fucking piece of paper. I guess that’s “disagree.”

Question 5: I’m happy I’m not married. See my answer to Question 4. I’m furious that my marriage didn’t come with that piece of paper and that even silly surveys won’t recognize it, much less important institutions like the IRS. Again, “disagree.”

Question 6: I wish I were married. I wish you would recognize that I am married. But it feels very odd to check “agree” here.

Question 7: Many married moms are conventional and old-fashioned. Many? I guess so. Fewer and fewer over time, but I can’t disagree with this. What I do disagree with is the implication that only unmarried moms can be cool. Hell, I’m conventional and old-fashioned in a lot of ways. Certainly more than you think. Does that mean I “agree somewhat?”

Question 8: Many married moms have “settled.” I doubt it. Some, sure. Some people settle. “Disagree somewhat?”

Question 9: Married moms look down on me. Not the ones I know, at least not to my knowledge. “Disagree.”

Question 10: I feel discriminated against because I’m unmarried. Another “um” question. I feel discriminated against because I can’t get married. But I don’t feel like a single mother, and I don’t think I’ve ever been perceived as one. Where the hell does that fall on the options? Disagree somewhat???

Question 11: It’s much harder to be an unmarried mom than a married one. At last! A question where I have a clear opinion. I can’t imagine how single moms do this. (Be moms without losing their shit, not answer silly surveys.) AGREE!

Question 12: If you agreed or agreed somewhat to #11, why? (Pick up to three.)

• There’s no one to share childcare duties with. Or to check my grammar, apparently. Oh wait, we don’t know whether or not the survey author is an unmarried mom. But that is why I think it would be so damn hard. And it doesn’t apply to me.
• There’s no one to take care of/give affection to me. That would be hard too. Again, it doesn’t apply to me.
• It’s more difficult financially. Yup, that too. Again, not applicable.
• There are no in-laws to help out with childcare. Well, my un-laws live 800 miles away, but they are my son’s grandparents. Not sure how to answer this one.
• There’s no long-term stability. The first time I read this, my first impulse was “fuck you, babytalk.” I mean really, how rude. I think unmarried moms can provide stability, and I am 100% confident that my technically unmarried family has long-term stability.
• People look down on me. Well. I guess I have to go with this one. Particularly, it seems, people who write babytalk surveys. And right wing religious radicals.

Question 13: Sometimes it’s easier to be an unmarried mom than a married one. I admit, in the midst of stressful decisionmaking with my partner, I’ve had that fleeting thought. But I 99% disagree.

Question 14: If you agreed or agreed somewhat with #13, why? (Pick up to three.)

• Don’t have to fight with partner over best ways to raise the child.
• My child/children and I have developed such a strong bond; I don’t need a mate.
• Don’t have a marriage to work at in addition to raising a child.
• Saved money on a wedding.
• No in-laws to deal with.
• I’m freer to follow my own dreams.

Yeah, um, I still have to work out child raising issues with my partner. My child and I have a strong bond, but it in no way replaces my bond with my partner. I do still have to work at my marriage in addition to raising a child. My partner and I had a beautiful wedding – less expensive than average, but certainly enough that we don’t get this “benefit.” And I have in-laws. (And grammar enough that I’m not ending my sentence with a preposition. Again.) Freer? When you’re the sole support for a child? Yes in some sense, but no in others. Good thing I don’t have to answer this question.

Question 15: Do you consider yourself a single mom? (If yes, skip to question 19.) Um, absolutely not.

Question 16: Are you currently involved with the biological father of your child? No. We used an anonymous donor.

Question 17: Are you currently involved with someone other than the father of your child who co-parents with you? Yes. My partner, with whom I planned this child and to would be legally married if we could.

Question 18: Do you have a same-sex partner who co-parents with you? HALLELUJAH! This survey does recognize that moms like me exist! Sort of, anyway. answer, YES.

Question 19: Are you divorced? No.

Question 20: Are your own parents divorced? No. In fact, they hit 40 years of being married earlier this year. My partner’s parents have been married almost as long.

Question 21: Was your latest pregnancy planned? Planned, budgeted for, paid for through the nose, medically negotiated – about as planned as is humanly possible. Of course, my partner WHO IS ALSO AN “UNMARRIED MOM” has never been pregnant. If she fills out this survey, should she check yes, or no?

Question 22: How old are you? Oh good, another easy question. Check the box marked 30-39.

Question 23: I work: Yay! Another easy one. Check the box marked “full-time.”

Question 24: How many children do you have? One so far. We’re hoping for another one.

Question 25: May a Babytalk editor contact you for a short interview on this topic? Please! I promise to be friendly and polite on the phone. I’d be happy to talk with you about being a lesbian mom.

Question 26: Fill out the following so that we may enter your name for a $1000 US savings bond. Please fill out the survey including this part. How great would it be if a lesbian mom won?

Question 27: Comments (attach additional pages if you like): Dear Babytalk magazine: I’m sure that setting up a false “us vs. them” between married and unmarried moms gets people all up in arms and sells magazines. But I’m still sorry you did it. And I’m even more sorry that you don’t consider me married, and don’t even afford me the option of choosing how to consider myself.

You happen to have published this right in the midst of what is jokingly called “the gayby boom.” Lesbians all over the country are having babies, and both gay men and lesbians are out there adopting and otherwise working to have children and raise them. Many of us consider ourselves married, and some of us actually are legally married.

For the most part, we’re moms just like the rest of your readers. We’re sleep deprived, eating badly, worrying about our newborns’ sniffles, and fretting about our childrens’ development. But there are a few differences. We can’t legally marry anywhere in the US except for Massachusetts. In many cases, the “non-biological” parent cannot adopt or otherwise provide for legal protection of her relationship with her child.

I would love to see your magazine do an article about lesbian moms. If that doesn’t work, perhaps you could include a sidebar with the article this survey eventually generates.

I would be happy to discuss my experience as a lesbian biological mother, or if you are looking for other potential interviewees, to recommend others based on age of the child. For more information about me, check out my blog. For more on the topic in general, including links to dozens and dozens of lesbian family blogs, check out http://lesbianfamily.org/.

Sometimes I feel guilty expressing my strong desire for another child. I read so many blogs of people trying for their first baby and think of my own precocious cuddler and I lose my breath at my presumption. How dare I try for another piece of snuggly perfection, don’t I have enough? How can she not be enough?

But then I remember that my desire for a baby and our attempts to have another child doesn’t take anything from anyone else. Not even from Julia. We’re so schooled in the economics of scarcity that I forget that such limitations don’t apply here: joy isn’t a commodity to be measured out with only deserving people getting a share, and neither are children, though at times it might feel that way (and, oh boy, have I felt that many times in my 10 months of TTC).  I remember something that I put in words for a friend in an email earlier this week: I’m trying to get pregnant not because I don’t love Julia enough, but because I love her so much. I know that she was worth everything we did to get her, so I know that the next child, should it appear, will be just as worth it. My love for Julia propels me forward through my pain and frustration and fear.

Most of the time my desire for another child is an intellectual thing: my family is not complete, there is a member missing, this is what we feel we must do to rectify that problem; this is accompanied by a feeling of loss similar to missing the presence and company of a known and deeply loved family member. Sometimes my desire for another child is an issue of personal pride: I cannot believe that my body cannot do this thing, I will do this thing because I have never failed to do something I set out to do. (I think I’ve mentioned before that my impulses are not always the most laudable). Other times my desire for another child is a longing for the next step that my life is to take. But rarely is my desire for a baby visceral and sensual. I am too busy with my toddler to miss the milky smell of a baby’s cheeks or the way their eyes gaze at you as if you are the most wondrous thing they have ever or will ever behold.
Until I get to posts like this letter by H.D. I read her sentiments and look at those pictures and I can smell that baby, I can feel those tiny fingers and toes. The very cadence of her words brings back those heady, near-drunken on hormones and sleeplessness, wondrous, love-struck days. I read her post and both the absence of my baby who has turned toddler, and the absence of my baby that has yet to be hits me in the gut.

Clicking over to Lesbian Dad’s site does me no good, either. Those pictures of toddler and little brother help me sketch my own imaginary pictures of Julia meeting a future sibling. The melting of my heart at these images feels a bit too close to crying, and sadness is a part of that, but only a part. The feeling is one of happiness for them and projected happiness for a future us and a keen awareness that the future is not now. And I lose myself in bittersweet dreams for a time.

Dreams that even Katie’s post with the scary NICU pictures, and her long labor as described in her birth story posts, can’t disperse. Because at the end of all that fear is such a beautiful baby.

And I will have another beautiful baby, too. One day. One way or another.

Things are a changin’ in the online lesbian family (and friends) world.

First, a big welcome to baby Mia! HD went into labour on the 25th, and baby arrived on the 26th! Go see pictures, she’s super cute!

Congrats to Gretch and Jen (of Butterbeans and Baby Dreams) and Carey and Steph (of UterusX2) who have moved from Trying to Expecting!

More congrats to Renee and Shana (and kids O, J and A) who have been given word on December 14^th that they are the official adoption placement for their baby girl T!

In more adoption news, a big congrats to Natalie who now has two legal parents, Jen and Cait.

In early December, our family had our official second parent adoption hearing, so Dré also has two legal moms.

Some news from friends of the family: a big YAY for Bri (of Unwellness) who is expecting. Also, please send love, prayers and congrats to Mae and Matt (of Mae Midwest) whose little girl arrived early on December, 26th.

Please send positive thoughts to Shelly and Dee who found out that their baby girl has a fluid filled mass (cystic hygroma) on the side of her neck. They receive results from their tests on Wednesday.

Trista is a hard act to follow, but I have to start somewhere.

When Liza invited me to join the team over here at lesbian family dot org, I was both flattered and panicked. What would I write about? Did I have anything new to add to the conversation about lesbian families and queer families in general? And most importantly, would the readers over here be as tolerant of my rantings and half-cooked sentences as my beloved readers over at my own blog, Round is Funny?

I guess I’ll find out.

My partner, Non-Sequitor Girl (referred to from here on out as NSG), and I adopted our son Roo in August 2006. This was an open domestic transracial adoption (try saying that three times fast), and it was a wild ride.

So many things have, of course, caught us off guard about parenting and about adopting, but the one that stuck with me from this past week was this question: who’s his real mom?

I was getting my hair cut and ended up in a conversation with several other women about my new baby and another client’s new baby, who were about the same age. One of them asked me if I stayed at home with my son, and when I explained that I was back at work full-time, she asked where he was in day care. “He’s with his mama all day,” I answered.

There was a moment of silence as the three of them processed this.

I live in a liberal little enclave where most homophobes know to keep their mouths shut, so I didn’t worry and it didn’t take them long. And then the inevitable response: Wow! But who is his real mom?

I choose to think that most people who ask this kind of question mean well, that they just haven’t come up with inoffensive language to ask what they really want to know. As someone who is very open about being part of a lesbian family, and who came to adoption as a first choice (not after a struggle with infertility), it’s relatively easy for me not to feel defensive about this.

Our answer is a little more complicated than they might expect. Do they mean the “real” mom who loved him since he was conceived and gave birth to him? The “real” mom who wears him in the Ergo all day long and multi-tasks so she can take care of her baby while also holding down a more-than-full-time job? The “real” mom who gets up with him in the middle of the night and makes him belly laugh by singing black socks and making ridiculous faces?

The way I see it, my son has four “real” parents. All four of us are parenting him in a way that’s outside the traditional realm of parenting, but that doesn’t make it any less real. When we talk to his birth family on the phone, we all talk about “our” son. All of us have pictures of him on our nightstands and have shed blood sweat and tears (some literally, some figuratively) over keeping this tiny fragile being alive and healthy.

And of course all of us love him in the core of our beings.

But this was my tangent, and five women in the haircutting place were poised waiting for my answer.

He has three moms, I said. He’s adopted. His other mom and his dad live in Crazy State (I’m on the non-identifying information track here), and we have an open adoption.

Again with the beat of silence while they digested. And then one woman said “Cool. My brother’s adopting from China.” And we were off on a new topic.

Did I accomplish anything? Did they hear what I was really saying, or was it too much in too few words? Did they move on because they didn’t want to be rude, or because they got it?

I don’t know, and I can’t know. I can only do the best I can, like we all do for our families, whatever form they take. But I felt good about what I said.

What would you have said?