Mamas Lesbianas a partir de los 42 años: about a couple and their adopted daughter

Adopcion nacional:  about two able-bodied adult white women in Spain who have one daughter with a disability adopted internationally and who are trying to adopt a second child with a handicap through national (Spain) adoption

Una Familia Especial: family with two adolescents in Mexico

Círculo de Familias Diversas:  Blog for LGBT families in Mexico City

Dos lesbianas, nueve meses y una nueva vida: who are pregnant

Dos mujeres, un niño y lo que venga: Spain with small child

El blog de Luli: Luli (who is tiny and beautiful) and her mothers blog

En busca de lo naranja y verde: Two moms and a little boy in Barcelona

La suma de nosotras: Expecting in Spain

Mami x opcion: Lesbian mom by choice of a 3 month old

Mamás lesbianas y bebé:  In madrid with a newborn

Matriz: Moms with a 4 year old

Milu, Nunu y un hada: Moms with a young child

Welcome to all the new blogs!!!

***Polly, can you help me get these into the blogrolls??? I don’t know how and I don’t want to bother Liza as she just had her beautiful baby girl Josephine Rose!!!!***

I’m in need of biology/anatomy books for an adopted 5 year old girl. ‘Where do babies come from?’ is coming up, and we need a book that shows a little more breadth than ‘when a man and woman love each other’.

Now I know you all are chock-full of bright ideas and rich resources, so I’m mostly figuring you’ll write in and give a sister some help in the comments stream.

I myself only know of a few resources, and can’t vouch for their quality. There’s AdoptionBooks.com, which is an “authorized affiliate” of Amazon.com. The site selects and reviews “the best in Adoption literature,” and has a Children’s Books section. Don’t know how queer-friendly or even queer-conginzant they are.

Then there’s the excellent site/blog, worth the trip, written by a librarian and focussing on “queer books for kids and teens.” I don’t know whether she’s reviewed any good books lately that answer the “Where do babies come from?” question, but I would imagine she’d be amenable to questions.

Of course the first place I looked was Mombian, since I thought Dana reviewed a book within the past year or so that was a good one on the topic. Alas, I couldn’t dig it up, and of course I also might be mis-remembering where I read about it. Doubly frustrating, since I am for sure not remembering the book’s title.

LesFam Readership, to the rescue!

The receptionist/billing specialist is a charming 50-something, and we generally get chatty while I’m checking in or out.

This morning, our chatting came around to why we stay here, instead of moving to Wisconsin to be closer to my family.

“Here, we’ve been able to have my partner legally adopt our son as his second parent. There, we wouldn’t be able to — there’s a bad state Supreme Court decision.”

As universally happens, she expressed surprise that the legal environment was better here.

“Here, the law is silent on the subject. So some judges, in the two main metro area counties, will do it. Others won’t.”

Our chat continued as she expressed surprise about the law being so unclear, and I found myself telling her the whole nightmarish saga of our petition having been assigned to the 1 judge in our county (out of 10) who won’t grant them, and how we had to move to the adjacent county. And how that meant spending down all of our non-retirement savings, but thank God we had that option.

Of course I also added that we better hope I was pregnant, because if we have to move on to IVF, we won’t be able to afford to do another whole move like that if we hit the rotten judge lottery again. She laughed and agreed and insisted that I’m already pregnant.

My point is that this kind of conversation makes a difference, even when we’re having it with someone who is already an ally.

She probably went home and chatted with her husband about the conversation we had, and the next time someone in her life voices an ignorant opinion about same sex marriage, she doesn’t just have a philosophical disagreement. She has a concrete, real-life example of discrimination, and a human story that she can share.

I think those human stories make enormously more difference than any abstract opinion, however well reasoned, can make.

Most people correctly read Pepito as adopted – he looks nothing like me – nothing even like what might come of me and a latino sperm donor.   And while lots of straight folks have adopted kids, the obvious lack of resemblance does tend to reduce people’s attempts to assign responsibility for noses and eyebrows: I don’t hear a lot of “oh, so does his dad have jet black hair and chubby cheeks?”  And I have the dubious luxury of passing – that is to say - my personal appearence doesn’t trip off most straight people’s gaydar.

Lots of things run through my mind, this man is missing most of his teeth, as is his wife.  There is a big flag in their front window.  I am not sure that same-sex adoptive families are a part of their regular scheduled programming.  [Until we moved to our previous city, my experience of other gay and lesbian folk was pretty limited to people from the same middle-class, education is everything, socioeconomic bracket as my family.  I still tend to (incorrectly?) correlate higher socioeconomic status with higher likeliness to accept queers.] He is my neighbor, give or take a dozen houses.  I am carrying a very heavy child who may start screaming again, complete with huge fat heart breaking tears, at any moment.

I give a non-committal grunt, say nothing, and move on.

Disturbing Encounter #2: I have the boy nestled in the ergo, trying to convince him that naps are not for other babies.  I am trying to put up a clothesline in our back yard.  An older Caribbean man is working in our next door neighbors’ (very welcoming) yard.  He asks if I need help with the clothesline.  I politely decline.  He asks about the baby.  Ten months, blah blah blah.  He says: daddy oughta be puttin’ that line up for you.  Why can’t his daddy do that?  He doesn’t have a daddy.  He has two mommies.  Boy needs a daddy.  He’s got lots of uncles, and two moms who love him.  Hmmmp.  A boy needs a daddy.  He continues talking to me, explaining that my son needs a daddy until I excuse myself to put the boy down for a nap.  I leave feeling angry that I have, essentially, been driven out of my yard because I don’t want to continue this conversation and because I don’t want to fumble my way through putting up the clothesline in front of him.

I don’t know exactly why I share these encounters.  I wonder about my own assumptions about class and race and religion.  Why do I casually mention my partner and P’ito’s two mommy status freely to the white tatooed cashier at the supermarket checkout but not to the African-American woman on the bus who admires his yummy cheeks and brown eyes and asks me if he’s spanish? 

I think of the security guard at my old job, who proudly told me about her niece’s wedding, and how she flummoxed my expectations.  Incidents like these make me wonder – how do I protect my son and yet not give in to my own prejudices?  And yet, how can I be a good parent to a child of color if I don’t confront my own assumptions?

From an email from Equality Maine’s executive Director, Betsy Smith: 

“As many of you know, today’s ruling
marks the first time in Maine history that a
same-sex couple can jointly adopt a child.
Until now, only a married couple or an
unmarried person has been allowed to
petition to adopt a child.”

This is awesome.  Even though these two children are not biologically related to the couple, the implications of the ruling could very well apply to second-parent adoption because the case states that two same sex parents are fit parents to jointly adopt.

What a great day for queer families in Maine!

Julieta and her less-than-legal wife who are still in the planning stages over at http://willowsbrain.blogspot.com/.

Magui, Gabi, a three year relationship, a cat, a dog, and the desire to start a family in Argentina at http://quemarnaves.blogspot.com/

Florencia and Gabriela who are TTCing in Argentina at http://maternidadeslesbicas.blogspot.com/

Guza and Oruga waiting for their Juan in Argentina at http://saltorana.blogspot.com/

Tilvy and Andre have triplets Abril, Jazmin, and Santi who were born at 27 weeks and are still in the NICU, but doing well in Argentina at http://ellalostrillizosyyo.blogspot.com/

Ana and Paula with their 1 year old twins in Argentina at http://piedralibreparadosmamas.blogspot.com/

Cris and Ana with their twins Diego and Santi in Mexico at http://dosmamis.blogspot.com/

Roma, Triana, and their 4 year old son Tati in Argentina at http://mamispordos.blogspot.com/

Pictures of the Week will be selected from the Flickr Photo Group — the same source as the pictures in the sidebar.

To have your pictures considered, just join the group and submit photos! Just remember, these are “family friendly” pictures only — no erotica or nudity.

[Background: When you decide on an open domestic adoption, one of the things you have to do is put together a family album (or profile) that describes who you are, your life, your community, your family, your hopes for any future children, etc. Agencies show these profiles (or make them available electronically) to expectant moms making an adoption plan.]  

Yesterday, the National Center for Lesbian Rights won a case they took on on behalf of the Butlers, a gay couple who had been denied the right to post their profiles on two different adoption sites (read specifics about their lawsuit against Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com).

NCLR wrote:

As a result of yesterday’s settlement, Adoption.com and ParentProfiles.com agreed that they must either make their services available to all qualified prospective adoptive parents in California – regardless of their sexual orientation or marital status – or stop profiting from California consumers.

***

Well, it’s about time.

When NSG and I started out on the process to adopt our son, we made the mistake of looking at agencies on-line. We’re children of the 80’s: why wouldn’t we start with the internet? Turns out that a queer couple doing internet research on adoption is like going to Google med school in the middle of the night to look up why your throat is itching – by the time the sun comes up, you’ve not only convinced you’re dying of untreatable throat cancer, but you’ve already contacted 6 internet lawyers about drawing up a new will.

The profiles we saw, with few exceptions, were of couples who seemed to be straight, white, wealthy, church-going, and rich – with lovely lawns and beautiful golden retrievers. We were… well, white. We panicked.

In this vein, we started sending inquiries out at random to agencies that had any profiles posted of families who varied even just a little from the norm. We didn’t find any postings with queer couples in them, or even single people. What we wanted to know was: how would they handle our profile? Since we were planning on an open adoption, we needed to know that an agency would support us – not just tolerate us.

Here is my favorite response (and yes, I saved the email):

Dear Round:

Thanks for your inquiry. Yes, we are a very liberal agency and would be happy to work with you and your partner.

It is our policy that we would have you post your profile as a single woman looking to adopt. If a birthmom were to choose you to parent her child, we would of course encourage you to be honest with her about your sexual orientation and partnership status.

As you know, honesty is extremely important in an open adoption.

Best of luck to you, and please let me know how else I can be of assistance.

Sincerely,

Agency Worker from Giant St*rb*cks-Like Adoption Agency

***

Where do I start? Naah, you can do it better. Have at it, gang.

Parrott’s ruling ordered Emma Rose to be returned to Deborah Schultz within 10 days, or be declared a “deprived child” and turned over the Georgia Department of Family & Children Services. Hadaway and Shultz met at a truck stop in Jeffersonville, Ga., on Jan. 12, 2007, but Shultz refused to take Emma Rose back to Florida with her, instead reiterating her wish for Hadaway to raise the young girl.  

Prior to Parrott’s Jan. 8 ruling, Hadaway left her longtime partner and moved to Bibb County, 70 miles south of Atlanta, which she considered more progressive and tolerant than Wilkinson County. After Shultz refused to regain custody of Emma Rose, Hadaway said she was encouraged by attorneys and DFCS workers to apply for an adoption in Bibb County Superior Court.  

 

Upon discovering that Emma Rose remained in Hadaway’s custody, Parrott issued two more rulings: a Feb. 12 order to place Emma Rose in DFCS custody, and a March 23 ruling finding Hadaway and her attorney in criminal contempt for not following his order to transfer custody of the child. The two women were sentenced to 10 days in jail, or five days plus a $500 fine, but are currently appealing Parrott’s decision.  

 

Citing a report by Alicia Gregory, a doctor hired by Wilkinson County DFCS to conduct an independent assessment of Emma Rose’s situation, Bibb County Superior Court Judge Tilman Self ruled March 30 that Hadaway be restored custody.  

 

“Dr. Gregory concluded, and in fact was quite adamant, that Emma’s best interests would be served by returning Emma to [Hadaway’s] custody,” Self wrote. “Indeed, Dr. Gregory stated that Emma’s current foster placement was the worst possible scenario for Emma.”  

 

But when Hadaway and Wilkinson County sheriff’s deputies attempted to retrieve Emma Rose from her foster family on April 3, they were rebuffed.  

 

“The foster family would not turn her over to me,” Hadaway said. When the sheriff’s deputies informed the foster family that they had a Bibb County court order demanding Emma Rose be returned to Hadaway, the foster father allegedly called Parrott. The judge told the officer that he was not recognizing the Bibb County order, and if Hadaway wanted custody of Emma Rose she would have to re-apply in Wilkinson County.  

 

 

via Peter’s Cross Station

I can only imagine what kind of foster home the child was placed in…

• Are you in a committed relationship?
• Are you planning to adopt for the first time?
• If so, we need your and your partner’s help!

The Transition to Adoptive Parenthood Project (TAPP) is aimed at exploring the transition to adoptive parenthood in same-sex parents. We are asking you to help us understand your experiences as you prepare to become, and then become, parents.

Your participation is very much needed and appreciated. Couples who participate in this project will be interviewed individually either in person or by phone during the pre-adoption period, and then again three months after adoption. As a token of appreciation, you will be paid for your participation in this project.

Please contact Dr. Abbie Goldberg for more information about the project, via phone at 508-793-7289, or by email, agoldberg@clarku.edu

Please read about this study & Dr. Goldberg’s other research on her website: http://www.clarku.edu/faculty/goldberg/index.html Call us today – your participation makes a difference!