From an email from Equality Maine’s executive Director, Betsy Smith: 

“As many of you know, today’s ruling
marks the first time in Maine history that a
same-sex couple can jointly adopt a child.
Until now, only a married couple or an
unmarried person has been allowed to
petition to adopt a child.”

This is awesome.  Even though these two children are not biologically related to the couple, the implications of the ruling could very well apply to second-parent adoption because the case states that two same sex parents are fit parents to jointly adopt.

What a great day for queer families in Maine!

Believe me we understand what the privilege that being educated, white, and coming from middle class backgrounds affords us, and we also know that there are many other lesbian couples in very similar financial situations as we are. And while we know some couples who are slightly better off than we are, and some who are not, financial issues around child rearing are concerns that we all share.

We also know a few other things. One of them is that children are expensive. Both the conception and the raising! Our family dreams include being able to afford to have one of us (ok, me) be a stay at home mom for at least the first year of our child’s life. I have alluded before to the whole “governmental help” angle of things, and this is something that we’re still considering, but what I’d like to know how YOU do it.

For those of you who have made the choice and or have had the opportunity to be a stay at home parent how have you been able to accomplish this? What concessions have you had to make in order to make spending this extra time with your child possible? What tips and tricks do you have for others making this choice?

Even for those of you who aren’t stay at home parents, what kinds of methods have you employed to make ends meet after adding one (or more) to your families?? In addition to saving what we can, now, what else could we be doing while we’re still at this stage of the ttc journey?

The reason that I was actually in attendance last night was because my wife had been asked to speak about the GLBT program she coordinates at a local university.  It was really incredible to me how knowledgeable these parents were (especially on GLB issues) and how eager they were to learn about things with which they were struggling, mainly “T” and gender issues.  There was no….judgment at all, just questions. It was totally awesome to see the support that these parents had for each other. I guess I never really thought about “their” process so much – one parent’s journey started with being in denial for over a decade and a half – before reaching a place of acceptance and love for his son.

I was truly touched to see that through any of the…confusion these parents may have been feeling, there was genuine love and pride for their kids, as well as the other GLBT folk who attended the meeting. I know that we are all scholars in our own truths – and that there are people out there who wish to learn about them.  I encourage you to check out PFLAG’s website to find your local chapter – and maybe even go to/volunteer at a meeting.

We were raised as Jews, not because of the whole maternal lineage thing, but because my best friend went to Hebrew school in third grade and I just HAD to go too.  In essence, I “chose” that path for not only myself, but my brothers and sisters as well.  Had my best friend not been Jewish, we could have easily found ourselves going to CCD with the other Catholic kids, but I digress.

Even though we were raised Jewish, and went to Hebrew school twice a week from the time we were little, till we hit the “golden age” of 13 (I actually continued in my religious education for a while after that) and celebrated all the Jewish holidays with our synagogue and family, we also participated in the Catholic holidays that were most important to my father, namely, Christmas and Easter. And while I fondly remember the traditions we took part in when these holidays rolled around, we were not taught much of the history. We went to church with my father once a year, on Easter Sunday.  He went to a traditional Roman Catholic church and much of the service took place in Latin.  Mostly, we kept ourselves occupied by playing with the kneeling benches and making up stories about the “pictures” in the stained glass that surrounded the church. And when we got home, this mythical bunny had left us eggs to hunt in the back yard, and a basket full of jellybeans.  The day culminated with an egg-salad sandwich lunch prepared by my mom from the “bounty” collected in the morning.  In retrospect, it’s amazing we didn’t all get food poisoning from eating eggs that had been out of refrigeration for so long, but that’s not the point here.

The point is this. Now that he’s gone, I feel very….much like I didn’t know enough about why we did the things we did, or the history/tradition behind it. I don’t know much about Easter outside of the candy, or much about Christmas besides Santa, reindeer, and gifts.  And while I can go to a book and read, I won’t ever be able to learn about it from him, in his words.   The fear of not knowing “why” something is done often leads to things falling by the wayside, and the thought of losing these traditions in the future saddens me.

I wish that my parents could have given us more of an education about my dad’s faith – not that we would have chosen that path (and maybe we would, who knows. Of the three of us, all bar/bat mitzvahed when teens, I’m the only sibling who considers herself to be a practicing Jew) but we would have had more of a connected feeling to something that was a large part of who he was.

S and I have already decided to raise our children as Jews.  This was a very easy decision to come to for us, for a few reasons.  One  being that S, ( ½ Episcopal, ½ Roman Catholic) has never had a really strong connection to her faith, and especially not the organized part of it, and another being that the faction of my religion that I practice (reform Judaism) is very accepting and affirming of my (queer) family, and that’s really important to me/us. What I’m wondering most about is how we can incorporate the traditions of the other faiths in our pasts while continuing to affirm the Jewish identity of our child?  This may sound….I don’t know, trivial, but I can clearly remember many times when I was a kid being told that “Jews don’t do/celebrate/believe” THAT.  Of course, I’d just experienced THAT with my family at home.  My interfaith identity was never valued or taken into consideration amongst my Jewish peers or teachers, and there were many times that I felt lost.

I would like to keep our children from feeling this kind of confusion, while also instilling a strong Jewish identity. Any ideas on how to keep the kind loss I’ve felt from happening to my children? What are some of the things you’re doing in your families to affirm more than one faith?

I must confess though. S and I have had next to NO TTC (or otherwise) related arguments. This is because I seem to have married the most patient, understanding woman in the entire world. As I know that I am perhaps the least patient person in the world, this is a really good thing. Though I’m sure there are plenty of couples in which both participants fall into my “not patient” category. And I’m wondering how they are dealing with the kind of stress TTC seems to throw upon a couple.

S and I have seemed to manage our TTC stress as a joint force. We’ve not gotten angry with each other, just the process, and have seemingly been very good at being able to distinguish our anger at not being pregnant yet with any feelings we’re having towards each other.  Then again, I was the one having the temper tantrums (when on fertility meds), and not her, so perhaps she sees things a little differently. Who knows? In any case, I’m almost certain that there are women out there who fall into the “not so patient” category, and may also be in need of some TTC/baby stress reducing techniques.

What I’d mostly like to see is some conversation about stress management happen. What are YOU doing at home, in your partnerships, or by yourself, to manage stress? How does the stress change when you go from TTC to actually having a family? For seasoned TTC’ers, or new parents, what was key to keeping your sanity during the TTC process? For seasoned parents, what are you doing now to maintain harmony in your relationships?

And I think of numbers. The number 1, for example. There is one state in the entire country in which I reside which fully recognizes gay marriages.  And then on to the number 3.  3 states (mine included) recognize gay domestic partnerships (O.K., well, D.C. does too, but as it is neither a state nor a well represented entity of this country I will exclude them from this exercise,  but wanted to include their DP achievement.) Though, this wording can be confusing – lest you think it’s anything like marriage, my “wife” and I often joke that all our DP means is “I can visit you in the hospital AND I get your crap when you die.”  Unfortunately for us that is really about all our DP covers.  Continuing along with the number 3.  There are 3 states (well, 3 by the middle of next week) in which civil unions are performed and recognized by the state government. All of these steps towards legitimizing “our” relationships are wonderful, but when I add all of these numbers up I still get zero. Zero.

Zero is the number of any of these unions that are recognized by our federal government.

This saddens me in many ways. My first major problem with this is the whole idea of the “institution of marriage.” I know I may sound like the odd man out here, but seriously, why do we put SO much value on ceremonies that lock two people together forever? Well, at least until they die, or decide to be unlocked, which is more likely the case here in the United States (and which some have shown us can happen within 24 hours of getting hitched in the first place, but I digress). 

There are some MAJOR things that are fundamental to “being married” that I just don’t get.  I don’t understand why being “married” to someone determines how the money we’ve been contributing forever (social security, etc) gets distributed at the end of our lives.  Shouldn’t we, as free thinkers, be able to decide where our money goes?  And I’m going to cut this argument short for sake of “time,” but know that this one thought is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the discussion of “marriage” in general.

Back to the debate on gay marriage/unions.  It really bothers me when the basic foundations and principles on which the United States has its origins based upon get forgotten and thrown by the wayside when it comes to this issue.  200 or so years ago our forefathers created an entire governmental system based on the belief that there should be separation of church and state.  To me this means that no matter what you spiritually believe to be true, whether in your home, your church/temple, or your bed, you must leave these beliefs at the door when it comes to politics. I don’t care if your G-d, or Allah, or whatever deity or spirit you believe in says that homo love is a sin – I think you need to check those feelings when it comes to determining the rights of others. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Now, I’m sure they never in their wildest dreams thought that some twenty decades later homos might try to get married, but…then again…maybe they did think that there would be debates in the future involving issues that might put ones spiritual/religious beliefs at odds with the way they think the government should be run.  Maybe the whole separation of church and state debate was started because those men were smart enough to realize that issues like this would come up in the future.  Maybe, just maybe, they had the wherewithal to consider that for ages and ages people would debate over the minority’s right to the fundamental “right” of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

And that’s what it’s really all about, right? Right now, for me, nothing would make my life a fuller, freer, happier life than to have the love I share with my “wife” legally recognized by the country and institutions to which I contribute (in many ways) so much.

Now, I’m worrying about “tomorrow” instead of today. We both have 401k’s and retirement programs, but seriously, it doesn’t seem like much. I’ve become paranoid about our future. My biggest fear is the whole cat food diet situation in 30 years. And it scares me. And it scares me to think about bringing a kid into our lives. I mean, right now, we’re fine, but HOW are we going to pay for everything??

In our pipe dream moments, we’re hoping that when we manage to make a baby, I’ll be able to stay home and be mom for a year, or two (or my secret dreams of until #2 comes along, but don’t tell my wife about that or she’ll freak out a little bit) and we won’t have to deal with a day care situation. But can that really happen?? I know that there are ways to….work within the government “system,” but can I really do that? Yes, they’ve been ignoring my family and families like mine for years but can I really exploit that? It’s a tough call. I can also figure out some things that I can do at home to make some extra income, but will that be feasible with a new baby around?

I’ve heard too many times “if you wait till the time is ‘right’ to expand your family, it’ll never happen,” but seriously, it’s hard to get over that fear of…not being able to provide for your children. Am I the only one thinking this kind of stuff? If not, how did you guys get over this, or deal with it so that the voices quiet enough at night so that you can sleep?

This past weekend, my wife and I escaped to the “dead in the winter” island of Stonington, ME.  We knocked off work a few hours early on Friday, hopped in the car, and 3 hours later (with only 1 brief stop) we arrived. We threw our stuff into our room and went out for dinner. We came back, made a fire, and enjoyed the silence of each others company. It was cozy, sweet, uninterrupted, and quiet.

And it’s ALWAYS like this right now. If one of us has an “ID” moment, and a need must be met, 99% of the time, we just go and do/get/make/whatever “it” is, without thinking of anything (or anyone) else.  We eat dinner when we want to.  Do laundry and deep clean as we please.  Stay out late. Sleep in. Whatever we’d like to do, we do, when we want too!  And even though our biggest wish is for family expansion, and are trying to move all sorts of mountains to make that a reality – there are some moments where I sit back and just think about how much this “alone” time will be missed when a child arrives in our lives.  

I’m posting this, mostly, to remind those of us who are trying to expand our families from two to…more than two, to enjoy the sweet moments of each otherness, and the quiet that can bring.  So often when we’re trying to expand our families (no matter what the method) there is an incredible amount of stress and pressure that is placed upon us by all kinds of things, but mostly ourselves.  There must be “time out” to remember all of the good.

For my single friends attempting to make families on their own? Take a second to think about all the things you love about being alone, the things you enjoy doing, with friends and family and by yourself. To my partnered friends?  Enjoy the quiet moments, and the things you love about your partners. Because honestly, it is likely those qualities that led you to wanting to make a family with that person in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong – at one point on our weekend I looked at my wife and said, “I’m having the best time here with you…but I hope that it’s a really long time before we can do something like this again.”  It is just that with all of the waiting, and setbacks, and strain that TTC/family expansion takes – I think it is really important (and empowering) to enjoy your present, whist hoping for the future.

To the unknowing outsider, I suppose it could seem like S and I have the perfect two uteri set up. She has one, I have one.  For those of you that have been following our journey, you know that we’re trying with my uterus. My uterus which must contend with my PCOS riddled body. My tubes which, while clear, are certainly nowhere near optimum.  My cycle, even when on fertility drugs is often long and drawn out. In contrast, S has perfect, 28 day cycles, and always has. There’s no indication that her uterus/tubes are anything less then perfect. Yet we continue to use me as the baby maker.

Why? Well, the answer….isn’t that simple. For one, I really really really want to carry a baby, and have really wanted to for quite some time. For whatever reason, while her desire to parent is strong, the desire to carry a child has never been evident for her. I think there are a couple of factors that weigh in on her decision, the first being that when you’re the kid of an obstetric nurse and lactation specialist, you may see some things from an early age that might just…scar you for life. I know that S was in attendance at some of her mom’s childbirth education classes from an early age. Perhaps that was enough to have her shy away from wanting to actually “do that.” Who knows?

Perhaps its that possibly less than optimum genetic material courses through her body.  I’ve never, in the 2 years I’ve blogged, talked about this, but I think the time has come. S’s brother, B, has Williams Syndrome.  People with Williams Syndrome are missing some genetic material on the 7^th chromosome, and this causes (among other things) distinct facial characteristics (similar to Downs Syndrome, but different,) and numerous mental and physical abnormalities. I think that growing up with B as a brother brought distinct challenges to S and her parents.  S has lived through how hard and difficult it can be to care for a challenged family member, and she saw the strain that it put on her parents.

To further complicate things, S has a few other mentally challenged family members that are close to her in lineage.  I think that, while these are not necessarily inherited characteristic, S is petrified of her genes being the cause of a less than “perfect” child.  If that fate is to befall us, at least it would be random, rather than a pre-disposed type of thing.

Perhaps it’s just that she REALLY does not want to carry. At all. Not with her eggs, my eggs, or donor eggs, she is adamant that her uterus will not be used as a baby growing location.

And I understand this. I really really do. But I’ve had to do a LOT of work to get to that understanding place, and honestly, sometimes I still have moments where I don’t understand. Where I wonder why she won’t do “this” for us. For me. For our family.  This is something I’ll likely have to contend with until that beautiful day when we bring home a child of our own. Which, no matter how it happens, there is comfort in knowing that someday, it will happen.  Two uteri or not.

Right now, my wife S and I are in the middle of the process of being considered as volunteer advisors for the local queer youth organization. If we’re selected, we’ll go through a weekend training, and be asked to help staff drop-in hours at their location, and maybe to help plan/lead learning sessions based around what our passions are. I’m thinking I might like to do something cooking, and S may do something around resume building. This program is run by both paid staff, the youth involved, and by volunteer advisors.

For a long time, in fact, as long as I’ve known a program like this was in existence here, I’ve wanted to be a part of it. I just kept putting it off, and things like making my own family seemed to eat up too much of my time to be able to offer my support. This year, I decided, would be different, and I’m following through with my decision. I look forward to “helping the youth.” That’s the number one reason that people give when they’re asked why they volunteer for programs like this. The other common response? “Because I wish something like this existed when I was younger.” Are you one of those people? I was. I mean, I was blessed with an incredible friend set, and support from my family, and even had two of my own “mentors” who helped guide me towards adulthood. But there was never a “group” setting, filled with both my peers and older people who could offer advice, and offer programming in which I could both learn new skills, and also have leadership opportunities.

It’s not only the youth that could use support, but being as I hope to one day parent a teenager (and lets be honest, often times my sense of humor and enjoyment are at that adolescent level) I’m sure the experience I will gain in communicating with young people will eventually help me. However, queer youth are not the only people who need our support and volunteer efforts. Elder centers, political organizations, social networking groups, and other service agencies are all places to consider when figuring out which is the right venue for you to explore volunteering. Volunteering will help you meet other people with similar interests, and may offer the opportunity to explore topics and experiences you never thought you’d be exposed to.

I’m looking forward to being a positive roll model for young queers and also for my future children. What has volunteering done for you?