Comments on: Sometimes, I think it would be easier to be the Dad http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/ find blogs from all kinds of lesbian families Sat, 27 Nov 2010 11:54:13 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: LittleSheep http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-25147 LittleSheep Thu, 23 Aug 2007 20:18:11 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-25147 Try throwing in another parent just to make everything even more fun... The boyfriend and I clash over what's best for his 7-yr-old son, and it's made even more complicated by the fact that it's his bio-son and I'm the female stepparent. Somehow I feel like I'm supposed to "know best" because I'm the "mom" in our house, yet I get trumped when it's convenient by the bio-parent card. Not to mention that bio-Mama trumps us both... So we fight and make up and fight again and we struggle along. We make bargains about me being less strict about bedtime if he'll be more strict. I have learned to bite my tongue when I disagree with his choices; he is (slowly) learning to bite his, too. And I am learning not to feel bad when his son gets a scrape or has a bad dream and only wants Daddy. Those comforting memories get us through similar times as adults, and what could make it a less comforting memory than two adults fighting over who gets to put the band-aid on? I am learning not to feel bad when his son writes an essay for school about all the fun things he does with his Dad and they're mostly things he and I did together without Daddy, but he doesn't want to have to explain about his evil Stepmom... It is okay to let things be special times with one parent or the other, which has taken a long time to figure out and seems so obvious now. Daddy is the special bath-parent and I am the special making-dinner-parent and Daddy lets him stay up late and I'm more likely to let him paint his hair green...I remember from my own childhood that my dad would let me have root beer and my mom would let me watch grown-up movies and it made it very difficult to decide who I loved best. I think we put too much pressure on our kids to approve of or validate us. They're kids. Let's not let their arbitrary distribution of sunshine in our lives determine our own self-worth. I know how tempting it is to give their every moment great weight, but ultimately he feels happy and safe because of both of you and because of the love for each other that you've chosen to share with him. Try throwing in another parent just to make everything even more fun… The boyfriend and I clash over what’s best for his 7-yr-old son, and it’s made even more complicated by the fact that it’s his bio-son and I’m the female stepparent. Somehow I feel like I’m supposed to “know best” because I’m the “mom” in our house, yet I get trumped when it’s convenient by the bio-parent card. Not to mention that bio-Mama trumps us both…

So we fight and make up and fight again and we struggle along. We make bargains about me being less strict about bedtime if he’ll be more strict. I have learned to bite my tongue when I disagree with his choices; he is (slowly) learning to bite his, too. And I am learning not to feel bad when his son gets a scrape or has a bad dream and only wants Daddy. Those comforting memories get us through similar times as adults, and what could make it a less comforting memory than two adults fighting over who gets to put the band-aid on? I am learning not to feel bad when his son writes an essay for school about all the fun things he does with his Dad and they’re mostly things he and I did together without Daddy, but he doesn’t want to have to explain about his evil Stepmom…

It is okay to let things be special times with one parent or the other, which has taken a long time to figure out and seems so obvious now. Daddy is the special bath-parent and I am the special making-dinner-parent and Daddy lets him stay up late and I’m more likely to let him paint his hair green…I remember from my own childhood that my dad would let me have root beer and my mom would let me watch grown-up movies and it made it very difficult to decide who I loved best.

I think we put too much pressure on our kids to approve of or validate us. They’re kids. Let’s not let their arbitrary distribution of sunshine in our lives determine our own self-worth. I know how tempting it is to give their every moment great weight, but ultimately he feels happy and safe because of both of you and because of the love for each other that you’ve chosen to share with him.

]]> By: Erin O' http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-24102 Erin O' Tue, 14 Aug 2007 00:43:44 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-24102 I'm working on what I want my role to be, too, and we've got a more traditional set-up -- Dh works, I log in more of the childcare hours (to be fair, he is super-involved and I get my time away). I'm trying to be more like "the man," (ie, not magically preventing spills before they happen, not stopping them from doing "very dangerous things" every second, and keeping my mouth shut more often at the dinner table (we've got 2 pre-school, high-spirited boys here -- picture a medieval dining scene sans the finger bowls). It is VERY hard for me. But when I do it, when I step out of the more traditional mom role, I feel much more relaxed. And we still bump into one another in the outfield a lot, but our communication is improving. Which it will for you guys, too. I’m working on what I want my role to be, too, and we’ve got a more traditional set-up — Dh works, I log in more of the childcare hours (to be fair, he is super-involved and I get my time away). I’m trying to be more like “the man,” (ie, not magically preventing spills before they happen, not stopping them from doing “very dangerous things” every second, and keeping my mouth shut more often at the dinner table (we’ve got 2 pre-school, high-spirited boys here — picture a medieval dining scene sans the finger bowls). It is VERY hard for me. But when I do it, when I step out of the more traditional mom role, I feel much more relaxed.

And we still bump into one another in the outfield a lot, but our communication is improving. Which it will for you guys, too.

]]> By: Wendy http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-23628 Wendy Tue, 07 Aug 2007 18:14:39 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-23628 I know this is something that Cheryl really struggled with when Katie was first born and I was nursing. I know that she felt as though she were the third wheel, unable to comfort because only the boob would do. It has been wonderful to see them develop their relationship over the course of time. Katie adores her Mama and can't wait for her to get home from work. She is totally sick of me at the end of the day and doesn't want anything to do with me. In fact, last night she was just asking how come I couldn't go to work so Mama could stay home with her. Right to the heart that one went! Pepito will develop his relationship with each of you as time goes on. I promise that he isn't going to love one of you more than the other, he will just love each of you differently. Wendy I know this is something that Cheryl really struggled with when Katie was first born and I was nursing. I know that she felt as though she were the third wheel, unable to comfort because only the boob would do. It has been wonderful to see them develop their relationship over the course of time. Katie adores her Mama and can’t wait for her to get home from work. She is totally sick of me at the end of the day and doesn’t want anything to do with me. In fact, last night she was just asking how come I couldn’t go to work so Mama could stay home with her. Right to the heart that one went! Pepito will develop his relationship with each of you as time goes on. I promise that he isn’t going to love one of you more than the other, he will just love each of you differently.
Wendy

]]> By: Polly P http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-23562 Polly P Mon, 06 Aug 2007 22:45:59 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-23562 Here, here, dlvc. If LGBT people do nothing for the hetero world at large (and we do oodles!), we most certainly, through our lives, give the lie to the notion that biology is destiny. And, of course, we also help indicate where it may genuinely come into play. But because socially we're constructed so differently, the influence of biology (on behavior, on gender expression, etc.) can actually stand alone more clearly. I think that the side-by-side experiences of adoptive and bio lesbian families will tell us so much about all this, and it's SO VITAL for us to continue to share our stories back and forth. Since ultimately, the gift <i>I</i> believe we're giving the hetero world at large is the message that, simply put, Love Makes A Family. The coda I want to add to that (given my vantage point) is simply that involved gay fathers and butch &/or non-bio lesbian parents firmly place all absentee, slacker hetero fathers on the hook, and invite them to -- if not embarass them into -- divesting themselves from narrow cultural indoctrination about what a man can and can't do/feel/etc. on behalf of their kids, simply because that's your only choice if you're not The Mom. (I know that sentence needs three readings to make sense: I apologize, and blame it on the infant, and the sleep deprivation he brought back to the house.) Here, here, dlvc.

If LGBT people do nothing for the hetero world at large (and we do oodles!), we most certainly, through our lives, give the lie to the notion that biology is destiny. And, of course, we also help indicate where it may genuinely come into play. But because socially we’re constructed so differently, the influence of biology (on behavior, on gender expression, etc.) can actually stand alone more clearly.

I think that the side-by-side experiences of adoptive and bio lesbian families will tell us so much about all this, and it’s SO VITAL for us to continue to share our stories back and forth. Since ultimately, the gift I believe we’re giving the hetero world at large is the message that, simply put, Love Makes A Family.

The coda I want to add to that (given my vantage point) is simply that involved gay fathers and butch &/or non-bio lesbian parents firmly place all absentee, slacker hetero fathers on the hook, and invite them to — if not embarass them into — divesting themselves from narrow cultural indoctrination about what a man can and can’t do/feel/etc. on behalf of their kids, simply because that’s your only choice if you’re not The Mom.

(I know that sentence needs three readings to make sense: I apologize, and blame it on the infant, and the sleep deprivation he brought back to the house.)

]]> By: dlvc http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-23517 dlvc Mon, 06 Aug 2007 11:29:22 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-23517 Thanks for this post. When there aren't any pre-defined roles, finding our parental footing is extremely disorienting, even if the struggles themselves are common ground for all familes. That said, this lack of a "map" forces us to address issues that more "standard" families may never even realize are there, which has been great for my family. It's also nice to read about how adoptive families face address these struggles as well. I think often lesbian AI families over-attribute these struggles to biology (my own family included). Thanks for this post. When there aren’t any pre-defined roles, finding our parental footing is extremely disorienting, even if the struggles themselves are common ground for all familes. That said, this lack of a “map” forces us to address issues that more “standard” families may never even realize are there, which has been great for my family.

It’s also nice to read about how adoptive families face address these struggles as well. I think often lesbian AI families over-attribute these struggles to biology (my own family included).

]]> By: Polly P http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-23514 Polly P Mon, 06 Aug 2007 10:26:59 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-23514 What a delight to see such chit-chat here! First, I love <blockquote>Having two moms who adore him? Who crash into each other like a pair of outfielders with their eyes on the ball to get to him when he cries? </blockquote> And second, I feel for you both. We're two and three quarters years and now two kiddles in to the journey, and there's still tons of defensiveness and insecurity on my part (since partner birthed & I didn't), and, as with Mermaidgrrl, maybe even occasional overcompensation on my partner's part. After a time, it has become (slowly!) evident what our fortés are, as parents. And those are beginning to distinguish us most. Though again, the mega-preference for (bio)Mama reigns supreme in 85% of most visceral emotional crises. Lordy lord will I be happy if/whenever this shifts. Meanwhile it makes me think it'd be easier on my heart if we were just two equal outfielders ramming into each other. What a delight to see such chit-chat here!

First, I love

Having two moms who adore him? Who crash into each other like a pair of outfielders with their eyes on the ball to get to him when he cries?

And second, I feel for you both. We’re two and three quarters years and now two kiddles in to the journey, and there’s still tons of defensiveness and insecurity on my part (since partner birthed & I didn’t), and, as with Mermaidgrrl, maybe even occasional overcompensation on my partner’s part.

After a time, it has become (slowly!) evident what our fortés are, as parents. And those are beginning to distinguish us most. Though again, the mega-preference for (bio)Mama reigns supreme in 85% of most visceral emotional crises. Lordy lord will I be happy if/whenever this shifts. Meanwhile it makes me think it’d be easier on my heart if we were just two equal outfielders ramming into each other.

]]> By: Becky http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-23472 Becky Sun, 05 Aug 2007 19:55:35 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-23472 That sounds like my house. You are not "The Only One Who Feels This Way". I am the stay-at-home Mama, the not-yet-legal parent, and the exact same smile happens here when Mommy comes home from a long day at work. I hear that smile happens for just about every family that way. It is frustrating to have the baby only want Mommy even though I was the one who dealt with the fussy day. But I realized that Mommy would do just about anything in the world to be the one dealing with the fussy day instead of at work - it is just reality that someone has to pay the bills. I figure that smile is just a little way of life making up for all the time she can't be home. That sounds like my house. You are not “The Only One Who Feels This Way”. I am the stay-at-home Mama, the not-yet-legal parent, and the exact same smile happens here when Mommy comes home from a long day at work. I hear that smile happens for just about every family that way.

It is frustrating to have the baby only want Mommy even though I was the one who dealt with the fussy day. But I realized that Mommy would do just about anything in the world to be the one dealing with the fussy day instead of at work – it is just reality that someone has to pay the bills. I figure that smile is just a little way of life making up for all the time she can’t be home.

]]> By: Mermaidgrrrl http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-23434 Mermaidgrrrl Sun, 05 Aug 2007 07:38:24 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-23434 Little Mister and I struggled BIG TIME with the role thing the first few weeks. I was too super-sensitive to the fact that there is a social and legal problem with seeing her as a parent and very aware that she was only home with us for 11 weeks before heading back to work so I handed over the reins too much to her maybe to compensate. But of course she didn't realise how much I was acquiescing (cause I was being silently stoic about some things) and was on tenterhooks about lots of things anyway. We didn't really communicate enough about some of those things and everything got a lot better after we had a big fight 10 weeks in and could then be more honest about how we were feeling about things. It is very hard when you are both sharing the "mummy" role! She's at work while I'm home on maternity leave so now things are easier. Since I'm with him on my own for 8 1/2 hours I'm more than happy for her to have him most of the time that she's home so we're not feeling that we're struggling with each other for time with him. Because I'm with him more I save special things for her to do with him, like take a bath together when she gets home and give him his massage. In a way she has more of a "daddy" role now, but with extra "mummy" things too! She does acknowledge that because I'm with him more I'm up to where he's at with settling techniques etc. so she accepts advice on that front but I make sure I stay out of it with everything else they do together. So far the trick is to remember that you both have his best interests at heart and nothing you say or do is out of unkindness but rather concern for him. That's my experience of it anyway! Little Mister and I struggled BIG TIME with the role thing the first few weeks. I was too super-sensitive to the fact that there is a social and legal problem with seeing her as a parent and very aware that she was only home with us for 11 weeks before heading back to work so I handed over the reins too much to her maybe to compensate. But of course she didn’t realise how much I was acquiescing (cause I was being silently stoic about some things) and was on tenterhooks about lots of things anyway. We didn’t really communicate enough about some of those things and everything got a lot better after we had a big fight 10 weeks in and could then be more honest about how we were feeling about things. It is very hard when you are both sharing the “mummy” role! She’s at work while I’m home on maternity leave so now things are easier. Since I’m with him on my own for 8 1/2 hours I’m more than happy for her to have him most of the time that she’s home so we’re not feeling that we’re struggling with each other for time with him. Because I’m with him more I save special things for her to do with him, like take a bath together when she gets home and give him his massage. In a way she has more of a “daddy” role now, but with extra “mummy” things too! She does acknowledge that because I’m with him more I’m up to where he’s at with settling techniques etc. so she accepts advice on that front but I make sure I stay out of it with everything else they do together. So far the trick is to remember that you both have his best interests at heart and nothing you say or do is out of unkindness but rather concern for him. That’s my experience of it anyway!

]]> By: cameo http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-23341 cameo Sat, 04 Aug 2007 04:16:15 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-23341 oh, one more thing, yes formula smells like old, moldy cat balls. Not that I've ever smelled old, moldy cat balls, but if I had, I would imagine they smell something like baby formula. oh, one more thing, yes formula smells like old, moldy cat balls. Not that I’ve ever smelled old, moldy cat balls, but if I had, I would imagine they smell something like baby formula.

]]> By: cameo http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/comment-page-1/#comment-23340 cameo Sat, 04 Aug 2007 04:15:14 +0000 http://lesbianfamily.org/2007/08/02/sometimes-i-think-it-would-be-easier-to-be-the-dad/#comment-23340 I agree with Cat, even though I'm the mom, hubby is constantly second guessing me and then I freak out because I'm supposed to know what to do cuz I'm "the mom" so it doesn't matter if you are a lesbian family, hetero family, orange family, family is family and there is bound to be confusion, hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy and frustrations. Period. Good luck! I agree with Cat, even though I’m the mom, hubby is constantly second guessing me and then I freak out because I’m supposed to know what to do cuz I’m “the mom” so it doesn’t matter if you are a lesbian family, hetero family, orange family, family is family and there is bound to be confusion, hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy and frustrations. Period. Good luck!

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