I’ve been thinking hard about the guest post a few days ago that talked about how the blogs listed here serve as role models for people trying to find their way through queer family making.  I agree with that whole heartedly as I, too, have used the blogs listed here to help guide me.

But I’ve also been thinking a lot about which stories are unheard, which guideposts missing.  I write a lot about the plight of non-bio mothers losing rights and visitation to their children, but surely this is just the extreme end of the spectrum, right?

I’ve been nervous to put this call out because I don’t want people to think that my own relationship is in danger of falling apart and thus I’m in a search for personal guidance, but I really do think that there is a void when it comes to what happens when a lesbian couple with young children decides not to be together any more.  It’s as if we want to turn our eyes away and say that if we don’t speak about it, if we don’t look at it, then it won’t happen; it’s only the horror of the extreme examples that breaks our silence — and only, I suspect, because we think that terrible occurrance could never happen to us and thus it’s safe to speak about.

A few months ago my partner and I attended a seminar on how best to protect the legal rights of our family now and in the future.  All of the steps given (rights of attorney, estate planning, donor contract, parenting contract) we’ve done, except for one: it was advised that we formulate a contract specifying what is to happen should we dissolve our union — how would we handle custody?  child support?  the division of property?  The plan is designed in the first place to keep us out of the courtroom during and after our break up, as well as to give the judge a picture of what we had truly intended when planning our family should we end up in the courtroom anyway. 

This is the most difficult piece of the whole packet of paperwork — no one likes to think that they’re going to break up.  No one likes to think that the family they’ve worked so hard to create won’t stay the same as it was created.  Still, we’re working on it.  Thinking about it.  Planning even though we’re planning never to have to use the plan.  There’s no adoption here, so if a lesbian couple were to break up any division of child custody would have to be cooperative.

What I’m wondering is, does anyone know of cases where this has actually happened? Stories, examples?  Are there blogs out there of people successfully sharing custody where they weren’t forced to by adoption decree?  Or where the adoption decree doesn’t play that big a role?

These are stories that we need to hear.  Enough of the horror stories, enough of the heartbreak and loss.  Those stories are important, too.  But I feel like our stories and talk are out of balance.  Instances of cooperation must form the bulk of break-ups, correct?  Let’s hear them.