Let me tell you, I find it quite odd how exciting the words “Honey! I’m home!” have become for me in the past year. As many of you know, I have been home full time with my son, and will be heading back to work and school at the end of April. Although I am aware how very fortunate I am to have been able to do so (thank you Canadian government!) it *really* has its ups and downs. And these days, as he has become harder to please, we are dealing with mostly downs.

Since our son was born, my partner and I have had some of our most heated arguments in the 6 or so years we’ve been together. And what, you may ask, have most of these arguments been about? Well, firstly, the dishes. And sometimes the laundry. Most often it is the bathroom, because no one likes the bathroom. We’ve become obsessed with blaming each other for the state of our home, and each one of us wants to be the domestic labour martyr.

So instead of cleaning the bathroom, I decided to do some research on how others are dividing up tasks in their queer households. As some of you may be aware, many theories abound when it comes to the division of labour in queer/gay/lesbian households. Most theorists proclaim that the division is much more equal than that of heterosexual households. They claim that those of us in same-sex relationships often hold anti-sexist/progressive/feminist beliefs that result in frank discussions about the division of labour, and then the dutiful equal divvying up of the work between the parties.
One theorist (Oerton, 1997) claimed that many of the studies written prior to her research did not take into account that gender and therefore inequality is still at play in same-sex relationships, and that assuming that lesbian and gay households are “gender free” (and also oppression free) is problematic. She asks, how does having children, and resulting parenting/co parenting arrangements, as well as income and race complicate the issue?

Since her article, a number of others have been written about the gay-by boom and its impact on household tasks. I have to say, having lived in our patriarchal world for my 31 years, I am not immune to the forces of sexism and the resulting gendered stereotypes. Even though I know better, I find myself frantically sweeping and dusting before my partner gets home, and I usually give her the “what for” when she leaves articles of clothing on the floor, or breakfast dishes in the sink that I discover upon waking up. In our house, I feel like I’m doing the lions share of the household tasks and the baby care. Yet, I don’t seem to see myself or my experiences reflected in all these academic studies.

So I wonder - what does the division of labour look like in your home? Has it changed since kids arrived? Did you or are you discussing this prior to having kids arrive?
*for those interested in some of these studies, let me know. I have copies of many of them that I can share.