UPDATE: This is cross-posted over at SoVo!

Babytalk magazine is related to Parenting magazine, but oriented towards parents of babies. (I know you’re shocked.) In the current issue of Babytalk, there’s a survey: “Married Moms vs Unmarried Moms.” Smackdown at the playgroup!

There are so many things that trouble me about this concept that it’s hard to figure out where to begin my critique. But since this is a GLBT blog, I’ll start with how the survey addresses moms like me.

Technically, the magazine has 2 surveys, one for “married moms” and one for “unmarried moms.” They’re printed one on each side of the magazine page (and also available online as separate downloads from this page.

I originally thought that the survey completely ignored lesbian moms when I decided to write this, but I was wrong. That’s because I think of myself as more like a “married” mom than an “unmarried” one, although of course I am legally unmarried. But Question 18 for unmarried moms is, “Do you have a same-sex partner who co-parents with you?” Yes or No.

Why, yes I do! Well, ok Babytalk, I guess I’m unmarried. Let’s look at the rest of the “unmarried moms” survey. (The questions are in regular font, my answers and comments are in italics.)

Question 1: A child needs two parents. Yup, I agree.

Question 2: A child needs two parents who are married to each other. Um. Is this a trick question, since I’ve now been declared unmarried, and under the law everywhere except Massachusetts, I can’t get married? I would have checked “agree somewhat” but now I think I’m forced to “disagree.”

Question 3: Marriage is a sacred institution. Another trick question? I “somewhat agree” with that statement, but not in the “therefore no one but heterosexual couples planning to reproduce should be able to participate” sense of sacred. More in the “when you find the love of your life and commit to each other, that’s a sacred commitment” sense. But to my serious irritation, I think I have to check “disagree” here too.

Question 4: Marriage is just “a piece of paper.” In the immortal words of Whitney, “hell to the no!” It’s a piece of paper that comes with several hundred important legal rights and responsibilities and goddammit, I want that fucking piece of paper. I guess that’s “disagree.”

Question 5: I’m happy I’m not married. See my answer to Question 4. I’m furious that my marriage didn’t come with that piece of paper and that even silly surveys won’t recognize it, much less important institutions like the IRS. Again, “disagree.”

Question 6: I wish I were married. I wish you would recognize that I am married. But it feels very odd to check “agree” here.

Question 7: Many married moms are conventional and old-fashioned. Many? I guess so. Fewer and fewer over time, but I can’t disagree with this. What I do disagree with is the implication that only unmarried moms can be cool. Hell, I’m conventional and old-fashioned in a lot of ways. Certainly more than you think. Does that mean I “agree somewhat?”

Question 8: Many married moms have “settled.” I doubt it. Some, sure. Some people settle. “Disagree somewhat?”

Question 9: Married moms look down on me. Not the ones I know, at least not to my knowledge. “Disagree.”

Question 10: I feel discriminated against because I’m unmarried. Another “um” question. I feel discriminated against because I can’t get married. But I don’t feel like a single mother, and I don’t think I’ve ever been perceived as one. Where the hell does that fall on the options? Disagree somewhat???

Question 11: It’s much harder to be an unmarried mom than a married one. At last! A question where I have a clear opinion. I can’t imagine how single moms do this. (Be moms without losing their shit, not answer silly surveys.) AGREE!

Question 12: If you agreed or agreed somewhat to #11, why? (Pick up to three.)

• There’s no one to share childcare duties with. Or to check my grammar, apparently. Oh wait, we don’t know whether or not the survey author is an unmarried mom. But that is why I think it would be so damn hard. And it doesn’t apply to me.
• There’s no one to take care of/give affection to me. That would be hard too. Again, it doesn’t apply to me.
• It’s more difficult financially. Yup, that too. Again, not applicable.
• There are no in-laws to help out with childcare. Well, my un-laws live 800 miles away, but they are my son’s grandparents. Not sure how to answer this one.
• There’s no long-term stability. The first time I read this, my first impulse was “fuck you, babytalk.” I mean really, how rude. I think unmarried moms can provide stability, and I am 100% confident that my technically unmarried family has long-term stability.
• People look down on me. Well. I guess I have to go with this one. Particularly, it seems, people who write babytalk surveys. And right wing religious radicals.

Question 13: Sometimes it’s easier to be an unmarried mom than a married one. I admit, in the midst of stressful decisionmaking with my partner, I’ve had that fleeting thought. But I 99% disagree.

Question 14: If you agreed or agreed somewhat with #13, why? (Pick up to three.)

• Don’t have to fight with partner over best ways to raise the child.
• My child/children and I have developed such a strong bond; I don’t need a mate.
• Don’t have a marriage to work at in addition to raising a child.
• Saved money on a wedding.
• No in-laws to deal with.
• I’m freer to follow my own dreams.

Yeah, um, I still have to work out child raising issues with my partner. My child and I have a strong bond, but it in no way replaces my bond with my partner. I do still have to work at my marriage in addition to raising a child. My partner and I had a beautiful wedding – less expensive than average, but certainly enough that we don’t get this “benefit.” And I have in-laws. (And grammar enough that I’m not ending my sentence with a preposition. Again.) Freer? When you’re the sole support for a child? Yes in some sense, but no in others. Good thing I don’t have to answer this question.

Question 15: Do you consider yourself a single mom? (If yes, skip to question 19.) Um, absolutely not.

Question 16: Are you currently involved with the biological father of your child? No. We used an anonymous donor.

Question 17: Are you currently involved with someone other than the father of your child who co-parents with you? Yes. My partner, with whom I planned this child and to would be legally married if we could.

Question 18: Do you have a same-sex partner who co-parents with you? HALLELUJAH! This survey does recognize that moms like me exist! Sort of, anyway. answer, YES.

Question 19: Are you divorced? No.

Question 20: Are your own parents divorced? No. In fact, they hit 40 years of being married earlier this year. My partner’s parents have been married almost as long.

Question 21: Was your latest pregnancy planned? Planned, budgeted for, paid for through the nose, medically negotiated – about as planned as is humanly possible. Of course, my partner WHO IS ALSO AN “UNMARRIED MOM” has never been pregnant. If she fills out this survey, should she check yes, or no?

Question 22: How old are you? Oh good, another easy question. Check the box marked 30-39.

Question 23: I work: Yay! Another easy one. Check the box marked “full-time.”

Question 24: How many children do you have? One so far. We’re hoping for another one.

Question 25: May a Babytalk editor contact you for a short interview on this topic? Please! I promise to be friendly and polite on the phone. I’d be happy to talk with you about being a lesbian mom.

Question 26: Fill out the following so that we may enter your name for a $1000 US savings bond. Please fill out the survey including this part. How great would it be if a lesbian mom won?

Question 27: Comments (attach additional pages if you like): Dear Babytalk magazine: I’m sure that setting up a false “us vs. them” between married and unmarried moms gets people all up in arms and sells magazines. But I’m still sorry you did it. And I’m even more sorry that you don’t consider me married, and don’t even afford me the option of choosing how to consider myself.

You happen to have published this right in the midst of what is jokingly called “the gayby boom.” Lesbians all over the country are having babies, and both gay men and lesbians are out there adopting and otherwise working to have children and raise them. Many of us consider ourselves married, and some of us actually are legally married.

For the most part, we’re moms just like the rest of your readers. We’re sleep deprived, eating badly, worrying about our newborns’ sniffles, and fretting about our childrens’ development. But there are a few differences. We can’t legally marry anywhere in the US except for Massachusetts. In many cases, the “non-biological” parent cannot adopt or otherwise provide for legal protection of her relationship with her child.

I would love to see your magazine do an article about lesbian moms. If that doesn’t work, perhaps you could include a sidebar with the article this survey eventually generates.

I would be happy to discuss my experience as a lesbian biological mother, or if you are looking for other potential interviewees, to recommend others based on age of the child. For more information about me, check out my blog. For more on the topic in general, including links to dozens and dozens of lesbian family blogs, check out http://lesbianfamily.org/.