It’s official: It costs more to be a gay or lesbian family than it costs to be a heterosexual family.

For most of the LGBT community, this is not exactly a news flash. In fact, it comes close to the “studies say drunk driving causes motor vehicle accidents” or “studies say losing weight requires exercising more and eating less” school of research.

Even so, mainstream media validation of our experiences is nice.

And it doesn’t get much more official or mainstream than the New York Times. And on Friday, the NYT Money folks wrote a thoroughly researched article concluding that for middle/upper-middle class families with 2 children, the out of pocket costs of being a lesbian family (yes, they used lesbians as their example!) is between $41k-$467k greater than those of a similarly situated married heterosexual family.

That’s right. An lesbian couple who are exceptionally financially unlucky could spend almost half a million dollars more, between ages 35-85, than a similarly situated heterosexual couple.

Details on the assumptions used by the reporters, and how those variables might change, are also provided by the NYT Money reporters.

Many of us have reported less exhaustive, more back-of-the-napkin estimates on the costs too. I wrote one about the cost of fertility treatment, and another on the tax impact being a lesbian family had on me in 2006.

Now, it is true that every dollar in that $41-467k would not instantly disappear if same sex marriage were recognized by every state and the federal government. The fertility treatment costs are independent of marriage. But legal recognition of our marriages would make a HUGE difference towards equalizing our financial footing.

Incidentally, I’m not anti-tax. I want to be clear about that. I think paying our fair share of taxes is a critical aspect of living in a democracy. I want to pay my fair share towards schools and roads and public safety and elections and national security and research and health care and the myriad of other services the government does and should provide.

The key word here is fair. Similarly situated families should pay similar taxes. My family shouldn’t have to pay almost half a million dollars more in lifetime taxes than, for example, my sister’s family.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the language we use to describe our relationships.

Back in 2003, before the Massachusetts Supreme Court declared that same-sex couples could marry, and before Mayor Newsom opened the San Francisco wedding floodgates, I always used the terms married and wife when I talked about Jill or our family.

At the time, I called us married and I called her my wife because I felt like using terms like “partner” or “girlfriend” accepted a second-class status. Even though legally, we had a second-class status, it felt like using that language myself was dishonoring of the relationship.

For the most part, our friends and family used the same language we used. And I will never forget the first time a total stranger used the term “married” with us, unprompted. We had driven up to Burlington, VT, to get a Civil Union. We were in Massachusetts anyway, for the wedding of some other friends, and thought we should take advantage of the situation.

The City Clerk beamed at us and asked, “So? You want to get married! That’s great!” as he handed us the paperwork.

The universe acknowledging our relationship has fundamentally altered since we tied the knot in February 2003. Now same-sex couples can legally marry in Iowa, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Connecticut. They will be able to marry early next year in New Hampshire. Maine is in flux right now; California still recognizes the marriages that took place when they were legally authorized, although new ones are not presently being performed. New York & DC recognize out-of-state marriages.

My wife and I aren’t legally married. We didn’t go to California during either of the thrilling windows of time when we could have legally married there. Our state still has laws on the books that criminalize going out of state to marry to avoid following state marriage requirements. Unenforced laws, but who wants to risk being that test case?

And given that we aren’t legally married, it feels slightly misleading to call her my wife. In 2004 and 2005, people would ask if we’d gone to Canada or Massachusetts or California to get married, and we’d wind up in these awkward conversations explaining that no, our marriage was not legally recognized.

In fact, that’s now what I usually say when people ask if I’m married. “Not legally” or “My marriage isn’t legally recognized.”

How’s that for a nice social icebreaker?

What about you? What language do you use to talk about your family?

Dear LesbianFamily.org Reader,

Would you mind telling us a little bit about yourself? Please take our Blog Reader Project survey.

If you have thoughts, opinions, requests, comments, suggestions, etc that aren’t covered in the survey — and I bet you will! — please feel free to leave them as comments to this post.

Pictured above: (L-R) Deb Rox, who blogs at Deb On The Rocks and pretty much obscured by L-Word creator Ilene Chaiken (foreground, in white jacket), LesbianFamily.org founder Liza Barry-Kessler, who blogs at Liza Was Here, Paula Gregorowicz,who blogs at The Paula G Company and at BlogHer as a Contributing Editor, and Zoe Gaymo,who blogs at gaymo and at BlogHer as a Contributing Editor.

Chaiken spoke at one of the keynotes at this year’s BlogHer conference in Chicago (here are some Twittered notes on it).  Liza is giving Chaiken a piece of her mind, but the question is: what piece is it? You tell us.

Hi Lesbian Families and Friends of the Family!

What do you think of the idea of a monthly LesbianFamily.org email newsletter? We wouldn’t want to spam you, but we’re also looking at ways we might be able to generate more community within our community.

A newsletter would give us another way to highlight newly listed blogs, show off bloggers and photos we love, list activities of interest, and offer the possibility for things like classified ads or essays/posts/poetry from those of you with something to say who aren’t able to make the committment to be full blown contributing editors or authors.

Is there anything else you’d want to see in a newsletter? Or really NOT want to see?

If we do a newsletter, what we would probably do is spam all of you whose email addresses we have ONCE, with a clear opt-in for future newsletters. Unless you have another idea for how we might reach you. We’re open to ideas!

I have been on a tidying binge around here, starting with the more time-sensitive TTC category.  Also deleted a bunch of blogs that for whatever reason, no longer existed, or hadn’t been updated since 2007.  I hope wherever you are, my friends, it’s a good place.

Moving from TTC – Expecting:

• …two wives and a boarder marker…
• Amy and Melissa
• baby toes
• baby.fatty
• Hatchling
• L’Dor Va Dor- From Generation to Generation
• My Pen Ran Out
• puffer and the baby fish
• Reproducing Genius

Moving from TTC – Babies (sorry about that, ladies & congrats! ETA: Sorry that we, um completely missed your entire pregnancy, not sorry that you have a baby now)

• A New Family
• Aspiring Baker
• Baby Beans (two moms! two babies!)
• Baby Colored Glasses
• Cutest Little Baby in Town
• Desperately Seeking Baby Now TTC #2!
• Family Values
• Follow My Baby Journey
• IndyNess
• Journey Towards Our Baby
• love+love=marriage
• Notes from 2 Moms
• Our Incredible True Adventures
• PBX Makes Four
• soulbliss
• two older hippos wanting a baby hippo

Moved from Expecting to Babies (Hooray!)

• 1 In Vermillion
• BabyBoom 2 Futuras Mamis Lesbianas.
• Dos Mamas
• Enough Grows
• First Time Second Time
• For the Long Haul
• It’s Taking a Village
• Luca Has 2 Mommies
• The Chronicles of Conception
• Wannabe Earth Mamas
• We Are Fambly

P’ito tells the New York State Senate what he thinks

This was the first time I have been at Pride with my kid, and it was so different. Different from going as a non-parent, different from my expectations…

When we were TTC and then waiting for P’ito to come home, I watched the families with kids with pride and a hefty side dish of envy. I wanted what they had and I wanted it NOW. I had this vision of us all walking along, holding hands as a family, with the local lgbt families group… and instead it felt a little bit like herding cats.   At the same time, I was free to browse in the information tents, snag all the swag I wanted, chat with friends, yell raunchy comments at the ladies, watch all the groups go by and cheer…

My parents were there with us – which was awesome – I have the most supportive family ever – but I was hot and cranky because P’ito was sleepy and cranky and because I kept feeling like I was losing people along the way. Tons of half-finished conversations because where did they go? Are we losing the group and falling in with the loud bar group behind us?

But when I finally pulled him out of the stroller and sat him on my shoulders, it was perfect. He waved and smiled and held his sign, and I managed to relax a bit and enjoy myself.  I like our small(er) city pride – a managable parade without hours of smiling politicians and liquor floats – but lots of people both gay and straight out on the streets cheering us on.  Add in a beautiful sunny day, and you’re there.

So:

What does Pride mean to you?  What are your personal Pride traditions and memories?  Do you dream of marching with your kid someday?

And how do you explain all the fabulousness of drag queens and leathermen and PTA presidents to your kids, if you’ve got kids old enough to say “’cause why, mama?” I didn’t have to do much explaining this year, but I’m puzzling over how to explain to P’ito what exactly it is that we’re celebrating.  How do you explain Pride to a preschooler without getting too deep into the ugliness of homophobia?

And don’t forget to add your family pride photos to the LesbianFamily.org flickr group…

On a totally different note – please welcome to the ranks of LF.org:

TTC:

Figboiler

Non-Bio:

Butchmama

Young Kids:

Lavender Tales

Our gals from Hydrangeas Are Pretty, Shelli and Narda, got official in Connecticut, with mega-adorable Noah Matan getting a ringside seat. Malka is reclining on the step behind them. You know, with slight changes in the scenery, this is pretty much exactly like what unfolded for my beloved and me on the other side of the country (geographically and politically speaking) last July. Little boy child in arms, girl child blazé on the steps behind.  

Much love and hearty congratulations to an old couple knee-deep in kids. 

New additions and updates await posting here at LesbianFamily, and they’ll be forthcoming soon.  Thanks for stopping by.

Samantha O’Connell, Angie Matt, and their son Henry O’Connell, at the rally in San Francisco following the California Supreme Court’s upholding of Prop 8.  Clearly, no one can vote or rule our love away.  State by state, coast to coast, that’s what’s going to keep us going.

Lesbian mothers, lesbians with mothers, mothers with lesbians, family with lesbians or mothers in ‘em, past, current, future, and hoped-for: love to you all.